spiritual stuff from the "Today" document

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Monday “We are weak, but Thou art able…” recognize what is happening, acknowledge weakness and ask for help


During his final visit to BYU, Elder Neal A. Maxwell quoted lines of verse given him by Professor John Sorenson. The verses describe
a great stallion at full gallop in a meadow, who—
at his master’s voice—seizes up to a stunned but instant halt. . . .
. . . only the velvet ears
prick forward, awaiting the next order.
[Mary Karr, “Who the Meek Are Not,” Atlantic Monthly 289, no. 5 (May 2002), 64]
Said Elder Maxwell, “Do you see a new picture of meekness being at ‘full gallop’ but with ‘velvet ears’?” (Neal A. Maxwell, “Blending Research and Revelation,” remarks at BYU President’s Leadership Council meeting, 19 March 2004).
A fourth quintessential existential dilemma: How do I distinguish between promptings of the Spirit and my own personal feelings? In this month’s Ensign, Elder Dallin H. Oaks reminds us humility precedes inspiration (see “Humility Precedes Inspiration,” Ensign, March 2007, 61; quoted from Oaks, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, June 1983, 27).
Humbly seeking inspiration while fully obeying all the commandments will help us determine if we are attracted to that cute girl or guy by spiritual prompting or as a response to a Madison Avenue perfume or aftershave. It can help us know when we are giving or receiving a priesthood blessing that what we are saying or hearing is not only what our own heart may earnestly want (or not want) but is in fact the will, mind, word, and voice of the Lord (see D&C 68:3–4).
A little inspiration for the day:
If you love, you will be loved;
If you respect people, you will be respected;
If you serve them, you will be served;
If you give a good account of yourself toward others, others will act likewise toward you.
Blessed is the man who loves and does not desire to be loved for it;
Blessed is he who respects others and does not look for respect in return;
Who serves and does not expect service for it; who acquits himself well of others and does not desire that they return the grace.
Because such things are big, foolish people do not rise to them.
~ Brother Giles
Alysm@earthlink.net

James 4:8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.

DC 88: 63 Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

Have I believed that the only way I can be happy is by having earthly circumstances be the way I want them to be. People to be nice to me and do what is right. No trials… Somewhere along the way ( in my childhood I imagine) I adopted the belief that I have the right to think ill of people. I have the desire to order my life in an attempt to keep hurt away from me. As if that is how I have peace and healing. Ugh.
The healing power of Christ, found in the doctrine of going the second mile, would do wonders to still argument and accusation, fault-finding and evil speaking.
It is not always easy to live by these doctrines when our very natures impel us to fight back. For instance, there are those who have made it the mission of their lives to try to destroy this, the work of God. It has been so from the beginning of the Church, and now, in recent times, we are seeing more of it with evil accusations, falsehoods, and innuendo designed to embarrass this work and its officers. A natural inclination is to fight back, to challenge these falsehoods and bring action against their perpetrators. But when these inclinations make themselves felt, there arise also the words of the Master healer, who said:
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” (Matt. 5:43–44.)
Most of us have not reached that stage of compassion and love and forgiveness. It is not easy. It requires a self-discipline almost greater than we are capable of. But as we try, we come to know that there is a resource of healing, that there is a mighty power of healing in Christ, and that if we are to be His true servants we must not only exercise that healing power in behalf of others, but, perhaps more important, inwardly.
I would that the healing power of Christ might spread over the earth and be diffused through our society and into our homes, that it might cure men’s hearts of the evil and adverse elements of greed and hate and conflict. I believe it could happen. I believe it must happen. If the lamb is to lie down with the lion, then peace must overcome conflict, healing must mend injury.
Jesus of Nazareth healed the sick among whom He moved. His regenerating power is with us today to be invoked through His holy priesthood. His divine teachings, His incomparable example, His matchless life, His all-encompassing sacrifice will bring healing to broken hearts, reconciliation to those who argue and shout, even peace to warring nations if sought with humility and forgiveness and love.
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, ours is a ministry of healing, with a duty to bind the wounds and ease the pain of those who suffer. Upon a world afflicted with greed and contention, upon families distressed by argument and selfishness, upon individuals burdened with sin and troubles and sorrows, I invoke the healing power of Christ, giving my witness of its efficacy and wonder. I testify of Him who is the great source of healing. He is the Son of God, the Redeemer of the world, “The Sun of Righteousness,” who came “with healing in his wings.” Of this I humbly testify in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. Gordon B. Hinckley, “The Healing Power of Christ,” Ensign, Nov 1988, 52

JEF
Our temples are places of peace and tranquillity. In these hallowed sanctuaries God “healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”
Our sacrament meetings should be worshipful and healing, restoring those who attend to spiritual soundness. Part of the healing process occurs as we worship through music and song. Singing our beautiful, worshipful hymns is food for our souls. We become of one heart and one mind when we sing praises to the Lord. Among other influences, worshiping in song has the effect of spiritually unifying the participants in an attitude of reverence.
Spiritual healing also comes from bearing and hearing humble testimonies. A witness given in a spirit of contrition, thankfulness for divine providence, and submission to divine guidance is a powerful remedy to help relieve the anguish and concerns of our hearts.
I doubt that sincere members of this Church can achieve complete spiritual healing without being in harmony with the foundation of the Church, which the Apostle Paul stated is “the apostles and prophets.” It is also essential for us to be found sustaining our bishops, branch presidents, and stake and district presidents.
Recent information seems to confirm that the ultimate spiritual healing comes in the forgetting of self. A review of the accounts indicates that those who survived best in prison and hostage camps were those who were concerned for their fellow prisoners and were willing to give away their own food and substance to help sustain the others. Dr. Viktor Frankl stated: “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 11 The Savior of the world said it very simply: “And whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.” 12
Of all that we might do to find solace, prayer is perhaps the most comforting. We are instructed to pray to the Father, in the name of His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, and by the power of the Holy Ghost. The very act of praying to God is satisfying to the soul, even though God, in His wisdom, may not give what we ask for. President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) taught us that all of our prayers are answered, but sometimes the Lord says no. 13 The Prophet Joseph taught that “the best way to obtain truth and wisdom is … to go to God in prayer.” 14 Prayer is most helpful in the healing process.
Wounds inflicted by others are healed by the “art of healing.” President Joseph F. Smith (1838–1918) stated, “But the healing of a wound is an art not acquired by practice alone, but by the loving tenderness that comes from universal good will and a sympathetic interest in the welfare and happiness of others.” 15

Facing the Giants
So far, football has been just about us- how we can look good, how we can get the glory. The more I read this book (the scriptures) the more I realize that life’s not about us. We’re not here to just here to get glory, make money and die. God put us here to honor Him (and to learn how to do that and to do His will) Jesus said that the most important thing that you can do here on this earth is to love God with everything you are and lobe others as yourself. So if we win every game and miss that, then we’ve done nothing. Football then means nothing. So I’m here to present you a new team philosophy. I think football is just one of the tools we use to honor God.
So you think God does care about football?
I think He cares about your faith. He cares about where your heart is. If you can live your faith on the football field, then yes God cares about football because He cares about you. He sent His Son Jesus to die for us so we could live for Him (find out what they mean).
It’s not just on the football field. We’ve got to honor Him in our relationships, in our respect for authority, in the classroom, and when you’re at home surfing the internet. I want God to bless this team so much that people talk about what He did. But that means we gotta give Him our best in every area. And if we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him. Either way, we honor Him with our actions and our attitudes.
So I’m asking you, what are you living for? I’ve resolved to give God everything I’ve got. Then I’ll leave the results up to Him. I wanna know if you’ll join me.

Your attitude is like the aroma of your heart. If your attitude stinks, it means your heart’s not right.

Terrance D. Olson, “The Compassionate Marriage Partner,” Ensign, Aug 1982, 14

We were packing for a short trip to the mountains of northern New Mexico, and I was loading the last of the children and supplies into the car. My wife appeared at the door and said cheerfully, “Well, we’re all set!” As she was pulling the locked door closed, I realized I didn’t have my keys! I yelled quickly, “DON’T SHUT THAT … door.” Too late.
In an instant I was irritated. I said to my wife, implying she was to blame, “My keys are in the house!”
Fortunately, a forgotten open window allowed us access to the house without the loss of much time, and my feelings dissipated. I “forgave” my wife for having caused me emotional pain.
Later, as I thought of the experience, I realized I had found it convenient to blame my wife because it was a way of justifying my own failure. By my hostile feelings I could make it appear that she was the guilty one and that I was a helpless victim.
The truth is that my irritation was not due to her behavior at all. It was, instead, the product of my own unwillingness to accept the responsibility of my actions, and obviously, she hadn’t needed my forgiveness—but I certainly needed hers.
The real issue was my need to repent of the feelings I had. Had she been in some kind of transgression, then the solution to the problem would have been for her to repent and me to forgive. In this case, however, only my repentance was necessary to restore us to oneness. I understood also that my repentance, my giving up of my feelings of resentment, would have been necessary whether she had been guilty of anything or not. I saw that I could not be both unrepentant (or unforgiving) and compassionate at the same time. These are two incompatible attitudes.
This almost trivial incident illustrates some important truths about forgiveness, charity, and compassion. I’ve learned that these Christ-like attitudes are the foundation for dealing with the big problems as well as the little ones that may beset a marriage. They can lead to oneness in even the most strained relationships.
As a marriage and family therapist, I occasionally meet people who feel that problems in their marriage are much too large to ever be resolved. Sister Flagg (not her real name) was one of them. She shared with me her feelings of helplessness about being in a loveless marriage. When I asked her to imagine her life one year from now and to describe what her marriage would be like then, her expression shifted from discouragement to despair. She was sure her marriage could never be different. She doubted she could ever love her husband; he was aloof, uncaring, wrapped up in his own world. He rarely took time for her—for them. He wasn’t physically abusive, but distant from her.
I saw the following as features of her situation: (1) She felt helpless in the face of what she saw as a hopeless situation. (2) She was emotionally burdened by the isolation from her husband. (3) She was convinced that she was a victim of circumstances, that she was trapped and miserable because of her husband’s actions. (4) She saw the gospel as a nice set of ideals that didn’t adequately address her circumstances. (It was as if she were insisting that her brand of suffering was an exception to the application of gospel principles.)
I am convinced that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the solution—a very practical one—to problems in marriage. Even though some husbands and wives see scriptural counsel as too “abstract” or too “idealistic,” I see continually how the gospel is the source of personal and marital happiness and that it has the answers to solving problems in marriage.
Consequently, I sought to explain to Sister Flagg how three important gospel attitudes—forgiveness, charity, and compassion—could help her and her husband resolve their difficulties. I tried to help her see that just as I felt that my wife had “caused” my irritation when I was locked out of the house, Sister Flagg was unjustly blaming her husband for “causing” her misery. Whether my wife had been guilty or not, I was wrongly accusing her of causing my reaction. My feelings of resentment were my way of refusing to feel compassion for my wife. Sister Flagg was in a similar position: whether her husband was guilty or not, her feelings of helplessness were a way of showing how impossible it was for her to view him compassionately.
Now, I am not saying that her husband was innocent, that the solution to her problem was easy, or that the problem was “just in her head.” I am suggesting, however, that her way of viewing her circumstances was part of the problem. By insisting she was helpless, she was producing hopelessness.
Suppose Brother Flagg was, indeed, as aloof and uncaring as Sister Flagg said he was, that everything she reported was true. By living gospel principles, she could still do much to improve her situation. Although there is no guarantee that her husband would respond and change, she could still rid herself of her bondage of helplessness and despair, and create a better life for herself and, hopefully, for her husband as well.
If people in Sister Flagg’s position were to realize that they can do something about their problems, they would have begun to solve the problem. I remember working with a man who, like Sister Flagg, felt helpless; he was sure that nothing he could do would change the problems in his marriage. Although his feelings of helplessness were real, they were not produced by his situation; rather, he had produced them himself as a way of showing who was to blame. They were his “proof” that he could do nothing about his circumstances except be defeated by them. Harboring these feelings was his way of achieving vengeance against his wife for her “wrongs.”
What could he do about these feelings? Like Sister Flagg, he could give them up in favor of the Christ-like attitudes of forgiveness, charity, and compassion. He can’t feel both helpless and forgiving simultaneously; he can either continue to insist he is helpless, or turn his heart to the Lord—and begin to solve the problem.
Our hostile feelings toward another person are more fundamental to our problems than that person’s behavior. What others do to us does not render us uncompassionate or unforgiving. We do that to ourselves by refusing to forgive. Our road to personal peace requires our own repentance of those feelings of resentment.
Consider Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 [D&C 64:10]: “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”
An attitude of forgiveness toward our companion is an important beginning. By having faith in the first two commandments, we are blessed by them. By loving the Lord with all our heart, we see our situation differently. By loving our husband or wife as ourselves, we see him or her more compassionately, and are no longer in despair. We are traveling on a gospel road, rather than on a path which denies the gospel.
Our emotional burden will be lifted as we realize that we aren’t helpless. This is faith—not the kind of faith that lies passively on a shelf or hidden in a book but the kind that works in the hearts and minds and lives of people. One gift of the gospel is the faith that God is neither a stranger to sorrow nor indifferent to our challenges. As we turn to gospel fundamentals in this way, we will give up the burden of our feelings of helplessness in exchange for faith. Although we will still have feelings, they will be of a different quality altogether than the despair we felt before.
“But,” some may say, “that doesn’t change the fact that we are victims. Haven’t our companion’s actions made it impossible for us to feel any other way than we now feel?”
The gospel teaches us that we are free “to act for [ourselves] and not be acted upon, … and all things are given [us] which are expedient.” (2 Ne. 2:26–27.) In other words, whatever our spouse’s attitudes or sins might be, his or her behavior is not sufficient to render us incapable of living as we feel we should.
Of course there are no magic steps to follow. But imagine what might occur to a husband, for example, if he were to see his wife compassionately—if he were to see her “wrongdoing” with charity? Would he see her point of view, her misery? Would he recognize her self-justifying behavior? Would he ponder how the two of them could work together to overcome their difficulties? Would he see hope for the future? The gospel answer to these questions is yes.
With a new attitude like this, we would be “free” to produce a better marriage. Instead of insisting that we are trapped, we would see an opportunity to be persuasive, gentle, meek, kind—to offer “love unfeigned” to each other. We would see our companions as the Lord sees them. We would have a new view of ourselves, of our husband or wife, and of our marriage—a view born of gospel living. We would become compassionate, rather than accusing, resentful, or despairing.
This change of heart is only the beginning; it won’t change marriage problems overnight. But by seeing each other compassionately, we open the door to some effective problem-solving. Since power and influence really do come through an attitude of love unfeigned, of compassion and caring, we then can be a righteous influence in our marriage.
Of course, it is possible that our companion won’t change and that we won’t have the oneness in our marriage that we desire. But even if that happens, we can still be free of the bonds of resentment and hopelessness and can still find life meaningful and rewarding. We are not helpless; we are not victims of the situation.
Often, however, in situations like these, when one partner begins to live compassionately, many of the “problems” of the marriage partner disappear. When we are nursing grudges or harboring hostilities, the problems we see in our marriage partners are sometimes ones we have manufactured to justify our own resentments. When we repent of our own uncompassionate feelings, those resentments disappear and we see our loved ones in a new light. We then become the kind of compassionate marriage partners we wish our spouses were. And we can begin to play a role in blessing his or her life.
“Hereby perceive we the love of God,” said John, “because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
“But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother [or husband, or wife, or child] have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?
“My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” (1 Jn. 3:16–18.)
The gospel is the solution to problems in marriage. Changing our hearts by accepting the Atonement is a prerequisite to any change, including changes in marriages or families. We cannot decide what others will do, but the gospel of Christ, which includes forgiveness, charity, and compassion, is available to us. Because of it and our agency, we can decide what we will do. And since we reap the same spirit we sow, we can either lay a foundation for hostility and resentment, or we can sow the seeds of compassionate living as an invitation to peace and harmony in our homes.
Let’s Talk about It
After reading “The Compassionate Marriage Partner,” you may wish to personally ponder some of the following questions or discuss them as husband and wife.
1. How can the gospel be the solution to specific concerns in my marriage?
2. Do I ever qualify as one who has a “hard heart” toward my mate? In what ways would our marriage be improved if each of us were to take responsibility for our actions ?
3. The author says that our essential feelings are a way of avoiding responsibility. How can such feelings be given up?
4. What would a “compassionate” marriage look like? If our hearts were broken and contrite, how would we treat each other?

Terrance D. Olson, “Cultivating Respect,” Ensign, Oct 2001, 46
One day a substitute teacher, standing in an unfamiliar classroom, could not figure out why there was much muffled giggling each time she turned to write on the blackboard. Feeling something lightly brush her hair, she ran her hand through her curls and came away with four or five raisins. They had been thrown there by a group of students who had organized a contest: one point if you hit her with a raisin, three if it stuck.
When the regular teacher returned, the incident was rehearsed for her in person by an upset principal and summarized in a note left by a hurt substitute teacher. When the teacher asked the students how such a game had come about, one of them mumbled, “Well, she was boring.”
The teacher looked at the student and asked, “Even if that were true, does that justify treating someone disrespectfully?” Silence followed.
Underlying principles of respect that were once commonplace in society have increasingly given way to unkind behavior. To help our children and youth set aside the many negative examples that bombard them, we must first understand respect, reasons we sometimes act disrespectfully, gospel principles that apply, and ways we can be better teachers and exemplars of respect.
Understanding Respect
There are at least two definitions of respect. The first refers to being polite or civil to those we meet or with whom we interact. This would include being respectful of a teacher. We hope grandchildren will treat grandparents respectfully during visits. We usually treat strangers with polite respect.
Another meaning, however, refers to our feelings toward those who merit respect through honorable living. We admire their commitment or standards. For example, we might respect a sailor who gave up winning a boat race to save a man overboard. On the other hand, we do not respect one who embezzles or another who treats a child harshly in the supermarket. Yet if we were to interact with these people, we would likely treat them with respectful or polite manners, regardless of our feelings about their transgressions. Ultimately, we can treat people respectfully because they are human even if we do not honor or admire their acts.
As parents and leaders, we are to honor both definitions. We want children not only to treat us with respect—using good manners—but also to honor our standards, which we seek to exemplify through Christlike living.
Rationalizing Disrespect
While the gospel teaches us to be respectful toward others without qualification, sometimes we may find ourselves falling into rationalizations about being disrespectful based on their behavior. A person who causes a problem is often seen as warranting disrespectful treatment. Here are two examples:
A man in his 70s came out of a movie theater. He stumbled into a group of teenage boys who might be described as tough guys. One boy spoke, “Hey, old man, watch what you’re doing!” The boy justified his complaint by seeing an old man as unworthy of respect. A girl of perhaps 10 years of age came around the corner of the theater and, with hands on her hips, said, “Hey, he’s not an old man; he’s my gramps! Please don’t talk to him like that!” Incredibly, the boy apologized, and the group moved on.
The second example is of a woman driving a car slowly through a grocery store parking lot. A sedan suddenly pulled in front of her, and she had to brake quickly to avoid hitting it. A bag of groceries on the seat beside her flew forward, and its contents scattered, including a dozen eggs, some of which hit the windshield and oozed down to the floor. Because her window was down, it was a simple matter to yell at the careless driver.
The sedan driver stopped and got out right in the middle of the parking lot. As she approached the car, the offended lady was preparing a barrage of accusations when she recognized the woman. It was her favorite aunt! She quickly swallowed her angry words.
If we could ask either the teenage boy or the lady with the broken eggs why they were about to treat these anonymous people unkindly, it is likely they would have cited these people’s behavior as their excuse. In other words, if others would behave differently, we would not have to behave badly. This kind of thinking shifts responsibility for our behavior to others. It makes us think that our disrespectful acts are someone else’s fault.
Children pick this up quickly. When they are impolite, they often justify their disrespect with the excuse that the other person does not deserve good treatment. “I would respect my father if he weren’t so impatient,” or, “I can’t respect that teacher because he yells all the time.”
Respect and Brotherly Love
Respect is an expression of our sense of universal brotherhood or sisterhood—a testimony of our membership in the human family. It acknowledges our common humanity and shows our reverence for children of God. The gospel teaches us that we are to hold the same esteem for others that we hold for ourselves (see D&C 38:25; Matt. 7:12). Acting disrespectfully suggests we do not esteem the other person as ourselves.
For example, prejudice is a result of disrespect for our fellowman. We cannot participate in attitudes of prejudice without distancing ourselves from others. True respect, then, comes as we develop our ability to love our brothers and sisters as ourselves.
Gossip, another everyday form of disrespect, is incompatible with love. What we say about people in their absence should be what we would say to them, with love, if they were present.
Empathy. Feeling empathy for others is a symptom of respectful behavior, while feeling unsympathetic is a symptom of disrespectful acts. A fourth-grade student, Mark, befriended a new boy in school who had a limp. One day, coming in from recess, Mark found his new friend being teased by a group of boys from Mark’s soccer team. Mark blurted out, “Leave him alone!” The boys turned their teasing on Mark for standing up for the new boy. While Mark had felt empathy for the new boy, his soccer friends had not. To ridicule others is to deny our brotherhood and sisterhood.
Care. Respect is also synonymous with care and concern. We respect those we care about. Sometimes we excuse our disrespect, even for people we care about, by holding against them their lack of caring or concern for us. After a lecture I once gave to a California school group, a 15-year-old girl approached me and said: “You know that story you told? You must have been talking about my father. And I don’t see how you could expect me to respect a man like him!”
“Tell me about your father,” I replied.
“Well, he never pays any attention to what I do; he doesn’t come to my school activities [she was in a play]; he never came to see my science fair projects, even when I won a prize; and when Mother is sick and I fix supper, he just says, ‘Why is dinner late?’ How can I respect a man like him?”
Her message was clear: Dad doesn’t care about me, so why should I care about him? I looked at her. “Tell me what life is like for a man who doesn’t see that he has a daughter who does her best, contributes to school activities, tries to do well in science, and, when her mother is sick, leaps into the kitchen to help without being asked.”
Her countenance changed; a faraway look came into her eyes. “You know,” she finally said, “he is the loneliest man in the world. I don’t think he has any friends.” With that, she began to see her father with compassion, even a degree of sorrow, for his circumstances. To feel compassion, she’d had to give up her attitude of resentment and disrespect. She had transformed herself and no longer used his bad behavior to justify her own poor behavior. In scriptural language, she had gone from nursing feelings of contention to no longer having “a mind to injure one another” (Mosiah 4:13). And it came without any change on her father’s part.
Teaching Respect
To promote greater respect within families and youth groups, we must teach correct principles and share good examples. Parents can use personal examples (I recall a time I was unkind to my math teacher), tell stories (such as the time one team gave a standing ovation to a player on the opposing team), ask thought-provoking questions (How could the class have helped Mrs. Johnson when she fell?), or pose problem situations (If you were a student in the raisin-throwing class, what might you have done?).
Parents can also comment on circumstances reported in the media. While there are many examples of disrespect, there are also stories of those who have shown consideration for others, such as the Olympic gold-medal winner who raised the arm of the silver medalist many thought should have won.
Perhaps more than any other means, however, parental example is a child’s best teacher of respect. A father who joined the Church in a Third World country and then moved to a more economically advanced nation shared with his children his love of his native land—a land they had never seen. Then his eldest son was called to be a missionary to his father’s homeland. The father rejoiced, but after seeing him off, he worried about something he had not thought of before. His country was a land of poverty, of stark living conditions, and of little education. His son had been reared in a land of plenty. What if his boy, upon arrival in the country his father loved, was disillusioned by the pitiful circumstances he found?
A year into the mission, the father received a particularly touching letter from his missionary son: “Dear Dad, my mission is going all too fast. But as I walk down the streets, I feel good. I love this place! I love the people. Dad, I feel so close to the people here! I feel as if these people were my people.”
His father wept. At the time, his son was serving in his grandfather’s birthplace. They were his people.
Respect is an expression of Christlike living. It is closely linked to all other qualities we are counseled to cultivate: patience, long-suffering, brotherly kindness, and love unfeigned. It is a feature of selfless service and humble repentance. It is essential when healing or dissolving hostilities. Respect for others shows reverence for God and for His creations. Through showing respect, we truly feel more a part of the human family and recognize and honor our common divine parentage.
Teaching Children Respect
“Teach your children to respect their neighbors. Teach your children to respect their bishops and the teachers that come to their homes to teach them. Teach your children to respect old age, gray hairs, and feeble frames. Teach them to venerate and to hold in honorable remembrance their parents, and to help all those who are helpless and needy. … Teach your children that when they go to school they should honor their teachers in that which is true and honest, in that which is manly and womanly, and worth while. … Teach your children to honor the law of God and the law of the state and the law of our country. Teach them to respect and hold in honor those who are chosen by the people to stand at their head and execute justice and administer the law. Teach them to be loyal to their country, loyal to righteousness and uprightness and honor, and thereby they will grow up to be men and women choice above all the men and women of the world.”President Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. (1939), 293.
More on this topic: See Harold G. Hillam, “Future Leaders,” Ensign, May 2000, 10–11; Darnell Zollinger, “I Have a Question: How can I best teach my children to have respect for others, including those placed in authority over them?” Ensign, June 1974, 56–57. Visit www.lds.org or see Church magazines on CD.
Let’s Talk about It
Most Ensign articles can be used for family home evening discussions. The following questions are for that purpose or for personal reflection:
1. How do we know when we are being treated respectfully? disrespectfully?
2. Do we sometimes rationalize our treatment of others because of their behavior? How can we avoid this?
3. Why does developing love for others lead to respectful treatment of them?
4. Are you aware of someone who is being treated disrespectfully? How might you show respect to that person?

Terrance D. Olson, “Freedom from Bitterness,” Ensign, Aug 1991, 54
For many who have been divorced, hanging on to bitter feelings frustrates efforts to build a new life. The Atonement is the key to finding peace.
Cheryl* had not been able to escape nagging resentments toward her former husband, Fred. Flashbacks—unpleasant memories of all those things that had precipitated their divorce—kept her in a state of bitterness she had come to feel was inescapable. After all, even friends explained that “some broken hearts never mend.”
Then one day, when Cheryl was expressing the venom she harbored toward Fred, a friend asked, “What is life like for a man who has pushed away the ones he loves?” After a few moments of quiet reflection, Cheryl said, “You know, he’s the loneliest man in the world.” And as she thought about it, she felt different, less anxious. Sorrow began to replace resentment, and in a while she experienced a sense of peace.
It was only the beginning, but what Cheryl experienced is evidence that bitter feelings that stem from any manner of injustice need not be harbored for years. They can be given up, replaced with feelings of compassion, patience, even confidence. Such qualities are fruits of the Spirit and are made possible through keeping the commandments and accepting the atonement of Jesus Christ. While considering her husband’s troubles instead of focusing only on her own, Cheryl began to see the meaning of the Savior’s offer to comfort those who have cause to mourn.
According to the gospel, bitter feelings are not inescapable emotions; we have the power—and the obligation—to abandon bitterness. (See Eph. 4:31–32.) But, not surprisingly, the solutions to bitterness offered in the restored gospel are not always well received by either the world or those who remain bitter. Those who receive peace must receive it through the Spirit; and those who rely on worldly reasoning alone too often reject gospel-centered solutions as unrealistic, idealistic, or just plain impractical.
Is Bitterness Normal?
Four years after his divorce, Ralph remained an emotional wreck, so continually angry or depressed that even weekends with the children were tension-filled and unpleasant. Supportive overtures from friends gradually diminished as Ralph continued to respond to encouragement by saying, “You think I like feeling this way? If I could control these feelings, I would. But am I supposed to deny my feelings and pretend they’ll go away?”
Ralph apparently thinks his only options are to (1) deny his feelings, (2) feign new ones, or (3) live with the old ones. So he holds on to the bitterness generated by his divorce. Current worldly wisdom suggests that bitterness and divorce are logically linked. At least, bitterness seems all too normal for someone who feels he or she has been treated unjustly, dishonestly, or wrongfully. Moreover, for those who didn’t want a divorce, it seems that paradise is lost and that good feelings can never return.
But going on to a new future seems impossible for those wrestling with an unchangeable past. They try to slay two dragons at once, hanging on to old feelings while trying to build a new life. Cheryl felt uncomfortable with the struggle and realized that it wasn’t “normal” to feel so much tension, while Ralph resigned himself to his bitter state—not an attractive option. Cheryl accepted the Savior’s invitation; Ralph resisted it.
Let Bitterness Be Put Away from You
The scriptures suggest that bitterness is not something just to be tolerated but something to be given up. Paul counseled, “Let all bitterness … be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph. 4:31–32.) Alma taught that those in the gall of bitterness must eventually give bitterness up if they are to be happy. Only then can justice, mercy, and all other such comforts made possible by the atonement of Christ be received. (See Alma 41:10–15.)
“But how do I do it? How do I put away feelings that I didn’t ask for in the first place, emotions that I feel so strongly?” many ask. First, we must reconsider our view of where bad feelings come from. Bitterness, and feelings like it, cannot develop into a lasting attitude unless we cultivate these feelings. In clinging to bitterness, we blind ourselves to the fact that we are doing just that.
Jason, for example, felt desperate to get a divorce and leave a situation that was making him miserable. Yet four years later, he was just as miserable divorced as he had been married. “Why don’t you stop accusing your ex-wife of ruining your life?” asked a friend one day. The question prompted Jason to realize that he had been falsely blaming his misery upon external situations. When he finally saw his own responsibility for his life and feelings, Jason became more patient, more at peace. While visiting him one weekend, his daughter commented, “You had to really work at loving me last week, but today it feels like you just love me.”
When we harden our hearts, gospel counsel looks unrealistic or impossible. But when we soften our hearts, amazingly, we begin to ask different questions of ourselves and allow the Lord to comfort us in our search for peace. A scriptural example of this is the account of Enoch’s vision. When Enoch was shown the fate of those in the Flood, “he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted.” (Moses 7:44.)
Even Enoch had to learn that to refuse to be comforted is to consciously spurn the comfort of God. “The Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look.” (Moses 7:44.) Enoch’s refusal to be comforted and his bitterness of soul went hand in hand. Yet the Lord did not abandon him, but continued the vision, showing Enoch that the descendants of Noah would all be given the possibility of sanctification and eternal life.
If the Atonement is applicable to Enoch, who repented of his “bitterness of soul,” then persons suffering bitterness about a divorce can similarly repent and similarly receive comfort. But we must first accept the idea that we are agents, capable of acting rather than simply being acted upon. We gain greater understanding by asking ourselves the following questions:
• Have I refused to be comforted by the Lord?
• In prayer have I truly sought meekness and lowliness of heart in order to be comforted by the Lord?
• Am I willing to cast my burden on the Savior so that I can get on with life and be at peace?
• Have I studied to discover how such peace is possible?
The Invitation of the Restoration
Diane felt paralyzed after her divorce. Her former husband’s actions included abuse, and she felt like a helpless victim of life even after their separation. But how, she wondered, could she win out over bitter feelings that others accepted as inevitable?
When asked to read a scripture for a Primary program, Diane went over the words, but she didn’t realize their meaning until the time arrived to read them aloud. As she did so, her bitterness began to dissolve: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11:28–30.)
By turning her attention toward the Savior and remembering that he was not paralyzed by the injustices wrought upon him, Diane felt the meekness of the Spirit and was warmed by it.
Coming unto Christ requires becoming meek and lowly in heart as he is. When we are meek and lowly of heart, we experience spiritual peace. Even if we progress toward this peace only gradually, line upon line, day by day, we are slowly succeeding in our search for personal peace.
The world will continue to tell us that bitterness is inescapable, something over which we have little control. The world also may tell us that cycles of despair occur inevitably and that gospel solutions are unrealistic. In addition, the world may tell us that coping skills require great effort and offer only temporary relief.
The gospel, however, teaches us both to accept the Atonement as able to free us from bitterness and to forgive those who trespass against us. As we live charitably, mercifully, and faithfully, our progress will be accompanied by joy and sorrow—not bitterness and despair. Our compassion for others, including those who may have wronged us, will increase as we accept the comfort of the Lord.
When we refuse the Lord’s comfort, we are like the “chickens” in the Savior’s lament: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, … how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!” (Matt. 23:37.)
A similar plea in the Doctrine and Covenants highlights our own responsibility: “I will gather them as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, if they will not harden their hearts.” (D&C 10:65; italics added.)
We can relinquish our bitterness, but only through the Lord. As we soften our hearts, we accept his offer of comfort and find rest unto our souls.

Terrance D. Olson, “Seeking the Spirit in Marriage,” Ensign, Oct 1987, 16
“If only Judy weren’t so pushy,” Darrin thought. “Then I could relate to her better.” He and his wife had been feeling distant from each other, and Darrin wanted to feel again the oneness Judy and he had felt when they were first married.
One day, Darrin read in the Book of Mormon this verse: “He commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, … having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another.” (Mosiah 18:21.)
When he first read this, Darrin felt that having such a relationship with his wife would be possible only if Judy changed. But then it occurred to him that perhaps he needed to do some changing himself. “What could I do to be united with Judy?” he thought. That question gave way to another: “What manner of [man] ought [I] to be?” (3 Ne. 27:27.)
The question would not leave his mind. He remembered, for instance, how concerned Judy had been last Saturday about getting her part in the stake Primary auxiliary training meeting ready. He had been grumpy, thinking that she would make them late for the high school tournament game. His tension grew as the afternoon wore on. At the same time, he had been jealous of how many hours she was giving to preparation.
But now, while he read Mosiah with the Spirit, the event began to look different. What manner of man had he been? Had he been helpful, supportive, willing to assure his wife’s preparation, willing to sustain her in her calling? The evidence was against him. And her support and sacrifice for him condemned him further.
That same Saturday, she had risen early to type his management report. It was becoming clear to him that his accusations against Judy had been expressions of his own feelings of unworthiness. He wondered how he could have been so blind.
The scriptures describe Darrin’s situation clearly: “If we say that we have fellowship with [Christ], and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth.” (1 Jn. 1:6.)
In resenting and accusing Judy, Darrin had been walking in darkness. He could not continue finding fault with his wife and at the same time receive light. As he pondered the scriptures, he began to see more clearly what part he had played in maintaining division in his marriage.
As he began to repent and ask the Lord for help, he received further promptings from the Spirit. He saw what he had earlier refused to see: his own need for spiritual refinement. The Holy Spirit was showing him how to have fellowship with his wife rather than how to change her.
Darrin had learned the validity of the next verse in 1 John 1: “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.” (1 Jn. 1:7.)
When we are seeking to be obedient to the Lord, the fellowship we are seeking with our partners becomes easier to obtain. The Spirit will teach us what manner of men and women we ought to be.
But what kind of answers, if any, can we expect to receive if we approach the Lord having already judged our spouse to be pushy or unrighteous or insensitive? Is it possible to get clear answers when praying with such resentments? The truth is, so long as we harbor jealousy or resentment or anger or any other un-Christlike feeling, we resist spiritual guidance.
When we are at peace in our marriages, true to the light and truth we have, we can receive further light, meet challenges with faith, long-suffering, love unfeigned, and experience similar fruits of the Spirit. (See Gal. 5:22–23.) But when we resist the Spirit, we do not experience its fruits. Instead, impatience, resentment, and even despair increases. It is not possible for anyone to simultaneously seek the Spirit and resist it, to seek the love of Christ yet harbor hate. The one must be given up in pursuit of the other. Thus, couples who wish to draw upon the powers of heaven must strive to obey the principles of righteousness. Joseph Smith taught this simply and directly:
“The gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, cannot be received through the medium of any other principle than the principle of righteousness, for if the proposals are not complied with, it is of no use, but withdraws.” (History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 7 vols., 2d ed. rev., ed. B. H. Roberts, Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1932–51, 3:379.)
But what if one spouse sincerely seeks divine guidance while the other does not? What often happens, though it need not and should not happen, is that the one seeking the Spirit becomes offended by the “lackadaisical” or “disobedient” partner. Where there had been gentleness and meekness, there is now harshness, impatience, perhaps even arrogance.
Some might try to justify this reaction by saying, “Well, that just shows how frustrating a disobedient spouse can be. It’s hard to follow the Lord’s counsel when my husband doesn’t care or is fighting against me.”
This view is flawed. It implies that we could draw upon the influence of the Holy Spirit to successfully meet our circumstances—if it weren’t for our circumstances. The truth is, our failure to obtain inspiration is not due to our circumstances but to our spiritual condition. As one saying goes, “We raise the dust and then complain that we cannot see.”
I do not wish to imply that if one spouse continues in faith, patience, and long-suffering, the marriage will be made whole automatically. But the Lord will prompt us to know how to meet unjust or unrighteous situations without being unrighteous ourselves.
Marie Bailey came home from Relief Society tearful and distraught. She had prepared diligently for her lesson and thought the class went well. Afterward, as she gathered up her scriptures and visual aids, she overheard two women in the hall criticize her. It stung.
She explained to her husband, Fred, what had happened. If that was how the sisters felt, she told him, then it was time to ask the bishop for a release.
Fred suggested that she not be hasty. “Why not wait to see what the Spirit directs?” he asked.
To her, his suggestion seemed self-righteous, and she flushed much the same as when she had overhead the sisters’ criticism. “Haven’t you been listening to me?” she cried out. “Don’t you understand what those sisters did to me? How can you expect me to go back next month and teach those same people?”
Her husband said, “But it doesn’t matter whether they want you, or whether they criticize you. What matters is that you’ve been called to give service in the kingdom. I don’t think those two sisters have the authority to release you.”
Marie felt totally frustrated. “You’re just like the others,” she cried. “You can’t even understand what I’ve been through, and you’re so smug telling me what to do!”
Fred could have lashed back. To his credit, he did not. He did not protest his innocence or accuse her of blowing things out of proportion. Nor did he become hostile to the two women because they had maligned his wife. He did not even point out to Marie that she was treating him with the same spirit that the sisters had displayed toward her.
Instead, he said, simply, “I do not wish to be your enemy.”
Marie hesitated. She wasn’t sure if he was being genuine or acting morally superior. His spirit seemed right, but she still harbored animosity. Fred continued, “I want to think,” and left the room.
He felt sorrow, both for the way his wife had been treated and for her current suffering. Her accusations hurt, but he put them aside. He sensed how wrong it would be to do what she was doing—giving it back.
He thought about the problem, then prayed. Finally, he turned to the scriptures for help in charting a course. The first prompting that came to him was to “do what is right, let the consequence follow.” What exactly was right? he wondered. It came to him that only the Spirit could invite Marie to change.
What Fred finally did is only one example of what a person might do who is using the Spirit. The Lord gives specific, individual responses for each situation. “I think you’re afraid,” Fred finally said to Marie. His heart was full of love and concern for her. “I don’t know what you’re afraid of, but I believe that perfect love casts out fear. Perhaps the solution to your hurt is to love the sisters who criticized you.”
Marie did not “take it” well. She could not recognize yet that Fred’s comments were spiritually motivated. She felt that he was just putting her down again.
But he had said the right thing, even if he hadn’t said it as well as he had hoped to say it. The words fear and love began their work, repeating in her mind over and over. She began to soften and to repent of her harsh words. She wondered what she had to be afraid of, and she recognized her husband’s love for her. The next day, she told him, “I’m sorry for what I said to you. And I’m sorry I reacted as I did to the words of those sisters. When I was set apart as a Relief Society teacher, the Lord promised me that I would ease the burdens of others. Instead, I became the burden.” With that insight, borne to her heart by the Spirit, Marie began to regain her self-confidence and exercise a more Christlike love for the sisters she taught.
Marital unity can be a powerful invitation for the Spirit to come into a home. Couples need not suffer division as did the two couples in the preceding examples. Those who strive to keep the covenants they have made with each other and seek to do God’s will experience unity. In such a marriage, each partner invites the other to live worthy of spiritual guidance because he or she is an example of love and concern and puts the things of God first. What distinguishes such couples from other couples is what distinguishes the restored Church from other churches: the guidance and sanctifying influences of the Spirit.
In this light, what we are is more fundamental to receiving promptings than what we do. We cannot, with outward behavior that seems good to others, deceive the Lord about our real intentions. Any effort to obtain guidance from God is of no consequence to those who have not yielded their hearts to God:
“For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?” (Mosiah 5:13.)
If, for example, a husband sought revelation about how to care for his wife’s ailing parents but resented her demands to make a decision, his resentment would tarnish his efforts to get answers to prayer. As long as what we are and what we feel undermine what we do, we will have great difficulty receiving inspiration.
But if our hearts are humble and accepting before God and we are willing to do what is right, the heavens will open and we will receive the light and truth we need to make correct decisions. “That which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually.” (Moro. 7:13.) To qualify for personal inspiration, we must be willing to respond to and follow those constant invitations to do good.
To some, the idea that living obediently is the way to obtain revelation may seem appealing in concept but not practical. Indeed, the turmoil some experience in marriage is a real barrier to receiving help from the Lord. But as Darrin’s, Judy’s, Fred’s, and Marie’s experiences demonstrate, when we pay the price in humility and diligence, we can receive the promptings of the Spirit. When that price is paid by both partners in a marriage, then couples resolve their problems. So can we resolve ours.

Saturday, March 6, 2010
One Day at a Time
Twelve step programs like AA use the phrase "One Day at a Time" to remind their participants that change comes in small bits, and that when confronting addiction (or co-dependence, in the case of family support groups like Families Anonymous or Al Anon), a long time horizon is not a good thing.Contrast that to our gospel perspective. So much of what we do in the church has a very long time horizon. "Eternity is a long time," my old stake president used to say. And yet, I think we have something to learn from One Day at a Time.Repentance is the second principle of the gospel, right behind faith in the Lord Jesus Christ (without which repentance would be futile). I have asserted more than once on this blog that one of the great and awesome blessings of the atonement is the opportunity we have to change for the better. Not just to overcome grievous sin (some many never commit grievous sin, thank goodness), but just to improve from day to day. For an addict or a co-dependent person, signing up for a lifetime of change may be overwhelming, even impossible. And so learning to recommit oneself each day to principles of change associated with overcoming those addictions makes a lot of sense. Even as I type this sentence, I think about our practice of recommitting ourselves weekly to our baptismal covenant via the sacrament. The weekly participation in the sacrament is there not only as a remind of our Savior's physical sacrifice (which is incredible), but also recommits us to live by the covenants we've made.Twelve step programs rely on the strength of a Higher Power, "God as we understand him." The church's Addiction Recovery Program, with its 12 steps adapted from AA (with permission, but not with their review or approval, as AA does not endorse any outside program) are far more explicit about reliance on the Savior and on our Father in Heaven. The principles of the 12 Step program teach participants to admit their powerlessness over certain things, and to seek God's will for them through prayer.That's frankly a great formula for everyone to follow in morning prayer each day. Elder Henry B. Eyring said, "A morning prayer and an early search in the scriptures to know what we should do for the Lord can set the course of a day. We can know which task, of all those we might choose, matters most to God and therefore to us. I have learned such a prayer is always answered if we ask and ponder with childlike submission, ready to act without delay to perform even the most humble service" (Liahona, May 2007).Sometimes there is value in our stepping back from planning for our eternity, and planning instead just for today. What will I do today to serve someone else, to help myself, to learn and grow, to overcome a habit I'm trying to overcome, to better know the Lord? I suggest this not because I think our to-do lists are too short. Quite the contrary, I suggest it because I think our eternal to-do lists are too long! It can be overwhelming to bear the burden of perfection in all things forever. But there are things I can do today. And tomorrow, I can worry about tomorrow.For me, a focus on each day (when I succeed) allows me to live more in the moment, with less worry about what might be, or what should have been. Instead, I can say, today I will… And at the end of the day I can say, today I did… And tomorrow is another day.
Posted by Paul
From not Meridian but the other one


Jeffrey Butler, “Refusing Bitterness,” Tambuli, Apr 1982, 5
The criterion of the greatness of a man is how he copes with trials during his life. Will they cause him to lose faith in himself, his fellow human beings, and in his God? Or can he rise above even tragedy, giving the rest of us a glimpse of the courage inherent in man.
My next-door neighbor has dealt with tragedy under circumstances as painful as any that can be imagined, and his example should be shared.
To respect his privacy, let’s call him Brother Brown. He was converted to the Church thirty years ago in Minnesota through the example of an LDS school-teacher whose passion for life, sensitivity to people, and later her ability to love him unconditionally prepared him for baptism. They married and had three daughters and a son. Then Sister Brown’s father died and her mother came to live with them.
One bitterly cold winter day, Brother Brown came home from work, announced that the family was going to move to a warmer climate, flew to Hawaii, found a job, and sent for his family.
Brother Brown’s ordeal of faith began on 17 March 1980. His wife, oldest daughter, and mother-in-law were killed when their car was hit head-on by a truck. Its twenty-five-year old driver had been drinking and had moved into the path of the oncoming traffic in anticipation of a left turn which was actually nearly 0.8 kilometer away. He was not injured.
Brother Brown received news of the tragedy by telephone from the police. Weeping and praying for strength, he went out into the street, saw two ward members driving by, and stopped them. He told them of the accident and asked for a special blessing to enable him to cope with the tragedy. That blessing gave him a direct and powerful assurance that the Lord loved him and would make him able to cope with his burden.
Brother Brown almost immediately began proving that promise. At the funeral, he chose to speak, trying to help us accept and deal with the loss and showing us the way by his example. I was nearly overcome by his desire to ease our pain when he was suffering the most.
The last speaker extended the spirit of Brother Brown’s address by calling on all who were present, particularly the grieving family, to fight against any feelings of anger which might arise against the unfortunate driver of the other vehicle.
Two days later, my neighbor faced the harrowing task of sorting the items left in the mangled car. It was an agonizing experience as he faced the awful devastation which had killed his loved ones and had to recall the accident for an insurance company report. Reliving some of the agony he had hoped to put behind him nearly overwhelmed him.
In his pain, that evening he found himself becoming angry at the driver of the truck. He prayed. The negative feelings were still there. But not wanting to succumb to that feeling, he determinedly got in his car and went to the young man’s house, sat down with him and said simply, “I’ve been praying for you—for myself—trying to resolve some feelings of anger that are beginning to gnaw at me.” The driver of the truck looked a little frightened and uncomfortable but said nothing as my neighbor talked with him. When Brother Brown asked him if they could pray together, he nodded reluctantly and knelt down. Brother Brown expressed the deepest feelings of his heart, in a prayer, broken by his struggle to control his sorrow, asking for the Lord to help both of them deal with their shared tragedy. The other man remained silent.
When they stood from the prayer, my neighbor noted that the young man’s face was tense and pale but rigidly expressionless. Brother Brown went to him, put both arms around him, and gently said, the relief of peace in his voice, “I love you. I forgive you. It’s going to be all right. And I won’t let you go until you can let out some of those feelings inside.” The young man stood silently, his face moving, then broke into sobs of agony as he wept out his own grief in Brother Brown’s arms. The man’s wife joined them in this circle of love and told my neighbor, “My husband has been so devastated by guilt that this is the first time since the accident that he’s been able to express himself.”
Brother Brown’s trial of faith is not over, of course. He still has many years of living without his loved ones ahead of him. He still has to cope every day. But this mission of love has helped him rebuild his life. And those who know him have learned in part what it means to rise to the “measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.” (Eph. 4:13).


Neal A. Maxwell, “Irony: The Crust on the Bread of Adversity,” Ensign, May 1989, 62
What I now read is a most wintry verse indeed: “Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith.” (Mosiah 23:21.)
This very sobering declaration of divine purpose ought to keep us on spiritual alert as to life’s adversities.
Irony is the hard crust on the bread of adversity. Irony can try both our faith and our patience. Irony can be a particularly bitter form of such chastening because it involves disturbing incongruity. It involves outcomes in violation of our expectations. We see the best laid plans laid waste.
An individual is visibly and patiently prepared for an important role amid widespread expectation of his impending promotion or election. What follows, however, lasts only a very narrow moment in time. A political victory seems so near, recedes, and finally vanishes altogether.
Without meekness, such ironical circumstances are very difficult to manage.
In a marriage, a careless declaration hardens into a position, which position then becomes more important than communication or reconciliation. An intellectual stand is proudly and stubbornly defended even in the face of tutoring truth or correcting counsel. Yet occasionally, as we all know, backing off is really going forward. Sometimes it takes irony to induce that painful but progressive posture.
With its inverting of our anticipated consequences, irony becomes the frequent cause of an individual’s being offended. The larger and the more untamed one’s ego, the greater the likelihood of his being offended, especially when tasting his portion of vinegar and gall.
Words then issue, such as Why me? Why this? Why now? Of course, these words may give way to subsequent spiritual composure. Sometimes, however, such words precede bitter inconsolability, and then it is a surprisingly short distance between disappointment and bitterness.
Amid life’s varied ironies, you and I may begin to wonder, Did not God notice this torturous turn of events? And if He noticed, why did He permit it? Am I not valued?
Our planning itself often assumes that our destiny is largely in our own hands. Then come intruding events, first elbowing aside, then evicting what was anticipated and even earned. Hence, we can be offended by events as well as by people.
Irony may involve not only unexpected suffering but also undeserved suffering. We feel we deserved better, and yet we fared worse. We had other plans, even commendable plans. Did they not count? A physician, laboriously trained to help the sick, now, because of his own illness, cannot do so. For a period, a diligent prophet of the Lord was an “idle witness.” (Morm. 3:16.) Frustrating conditions keep more than a few of us from making our appointed rounds.
Customized challenges are thus added to that affliction and temptation which Paul described as “common to man.” (1 Cor. 10:13.)
In coping with irony, as in all things, we have an Exemplary Teacher in Jesus. Dramatic irony assaulted Jesus’ divinity almost constantly.
For Jesus, in fact, irony began at His birth. Truly, He suffered the will of the Father “in all things from the beginning.” (3 Ne. 11:11.) This whole earth became Jesus’ footstool (see Acts 7:49), but at Bethlehem there was “no room … in the inn” (Luke 2:7) and “no crib for his bed” (Hymns, 1985, no. 206.)
At the end, meek and lowly Jesus partook of the most bitter cup without becoming the least bitter. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; D&C 19:18–19.) The Most Innocent suffered the most. Yet the King of Kings did not break, even when some of His subjects did unto Him “as they listed.” (D&C 49:6.) Christ’s capacity to endure such irony was truly remarkable.
You and I are so much more brittle. For instance, we forget that, by their very nature, tests are unfair.
In heaven, Christ’s lofty name was determined to be the only name on earth offering salvation to all mankind. (See Acts 4:12; 2 Ne. 25:20; see also Abr. 3:27.) Yet the Mortal Messiah willingly lived so modestly, even, wrote Paul, as a person “of no reputation.” (Philip. 2:7.)
What a contrast to our maneuverings over relative recognition and comparative status. How different, too, from the ways in which some among us mistakenly see the size and response of their audiences as the sole verification of their worth. Yet those fickle galleries we sometimes play to have a way of being constantly emptied. They will surely be empty at the Judgment Day, when everyone will be somewhere else, on their knees.
As the Creator, Christ constructed the universe, yet in little Galilee He was known merely as “the carpenter’s son.” (Matt. 13:55.) In fact, the Lord of the universe was without honor even in His own Nazarene countryside. Though astonished at His teachings, his neighbors “were offended at him.” (Mark 6:3.) Even meek Jesus “marvelled because of their unbelief.” (Mark 6:6.)
As Jehovah, Jesus issued the original commandment to keep the Sabbath day holy, but during His mortal Messiahship, He was accused of violating the Sabbath, because on that day He gave healing rest to the afflicted. (See John 5:8–16.)
Can we absorb the irony of being hurt while trying to help? Having done good, when we are misrepresented, can we watch the feathers of false witness scatter on the winds?
Christ, long, long ago as Creator, provided habitable conditions for us on this earth, generously providing all the essential atmospheric conditions for life, including essential water. (See Moses 1:33; D&C 76:24.) Yet on the cross, when he was aflame with thirst, “they gave him vinegar to drink mingled with gall: and when he had tasted thereof, he would not drink.” (Matt. 27:34; see also Ps. 69:21.) Even so, there was no railing but a forgiving Christ. (See Luke 23:34.)
Christ was keenly aware of the constant irony: “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.” (Luke 9:58.) He asked a treacherous Judas, “Betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss?” (Luke 22:48.) And then there was the soulful lament, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, … how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!” (Matt. 23:37.) Yet the repeated ritual of rejection was happening to Jesus all over again.
We all know what it is like not to be listened to, but how about disdain or even contempt? Furthermore, there is a difference between noticing rejection, as Jesus did, and railing against rejection, as He did not.
As the Creator, Christ fashioned “worlds without number” (Moses 1:33), yet with His fingers He fashioned a little clay from spittle, restoring sight to one blind man. (See John 9:6.) The Greatest meekly ministered “unto one of the least of these.” (Matt. 25:40.)
Do you and I understand that the significance of our service does not depend upon its scale?
Within hours Christ would rescue all mankind, yet he heard the manipulated crowd cry, “Barabbas,” thereby rescuing a life-taking murderer instead of life-giving Jesus. (See Mark 15:7–15.)
Can we remain true amid false justice? Will we do our duty against the roar of the crowd?
As the Master Teacher, Christ tailored His tutoring, depending upon the spiritual readiness of His pupils. We see instructive irony even in some of these episodes.
To the healed leper returning with gratitude, Jesus’ searching but simple query was, “Where are the [other] nine?” (Luke 17:17.) To a more knowledgeable mother of Apostles, desiring that her two sons sit on Jesus’ right and left hands, Jesus reprovingly but lovingly said, “Ye know not what you ask. … [This] is not mine to give.” (Matt. 20:22–23.) To a grieving but rapidly maturing Peter, still burning with the memory of a rooster’s crowing, thrice came the directive, “Feed my sheep,” but also a signifying of “by what death” the great Apostle would later be martyred. (John 18:25–27; John 21:15–19.) How much more demanding of Peter than of the leper!
If a sudden, stabbing light exposes the gap between what we are and what we think we are, can we, like Peter, let that light be a healing laser? Do we have the patience to endure when one of our comparative strengths is called into question? A painful crisis may actually be the means of stripping corrosive pride off of that virtue.
To the humbly devout woman of Samaria who expected the Messiah, Jesus quietly disclosed, “I that speak unto thee am he.” (John 4:26.) Yet an anxious Pilate “saith unto Jesus, Whence art thou? But Jesus gave him no answer.” (John 19:9.)
Can we remain silent when silence is eloquence—but may be used against us? Or will we murmur, just to let God know we notice the ironies?
Yet, even with all the ironies, sad ironies, there is the grand and glad irony of Christ’s great mission. He Himself noted that precisely because He was “lifted up upon” the cross, He was able to “draw all men unto [him],” and being “lifted up by men,” even so should “men be lifted up by the Father.” (3 Ne. 27:14.)
But how can we fortify ourselves against the irony in our lives and cope better when it comes?
By being more like Jesus, such as by loving more. “And the world, because of their iniquity, shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, [Why?] because of his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men.” (1 Ne. 19:9.)
There are other significant keys for coping. “And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” (Luke 9:23.) Wise self-denial shrinks our sense of entitlement.
Another cardinal key is to “live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which [God] doth bestow upon you.” (Alma 34:38.)
Life’s comparatively few ironies are much more than offset by heaven’s many mercies! We cannot count all our blessings every day, but we can carry over the reassuring bottom line from the last counting.
Another vital way of coping was exemplified by Jesus. Though He suffered all manner of temptations (see Alma 7:11), yet He “gave no heed unto them” (D&C 20:22). Unlike some of us, He did not fantasize, reconsider, or replay temptations. How is it that you and I do not see that while initially we are stronger and the temptations weaker, dalliance turns things upside down?
Jesus’ marvelous meekness prevented any “root of bitterness” from “springing up” in Him. (Heb. 12:15.) Ponder the Savior’s precious words about the Atonement after He passed through it. There is no mention of the vinegar. No mention of the scourging. No mention of having been struck. No mention of having been spat upon. He does declare that He “suffer[ed] both body and spirit” in an exquisiteness which we simply cannot comprehend. (D&C 19:18; see also D&C 19:15.)
We come now to the last and most terrible irony of Jesus: His feeling forsaken at the apogee of His agony on Calvary. The apparent withdrawal of the Father’s spirit then evoked the greatest soul cry in human history. (See James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1916, p. 613.) This deprivation had never happened to Christ before—never. Yet, thereby, Jesus became a fully comprehending Christ and was enabled to be a fully succoring Savior. (See Alma 7:11–12.) Moreover, even in that darkest hour, while feeling forsaken, Jesus submitted Himself to the Father.
No wonder the Savior tells us that the combined anguish in Gethsemane and on Calvary was so awful that He would have shrunk. “Nevertheless,” He finished His “preparations.” (See D&C 19:18–19; 3 Ne. 11:11.) The word nevertheless reflects deep, divine determination.
Furthermore, even after treading the winepress alone (see D&C 76:107), which ended in His stunning, personal triumph and in the greatest victory ever—majestic Jesus meekly declared, “Glory be to the Father”! (D&C 19:19.) This should not surprise us. In the premortal world, Jesus meekly volunteered to be our Savior, saying, “Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever.” (Moses 4:2.) Jesus was true to His word.
Now, in closing, I humbly declare, “Glory be to the Father”—first, for rearing such an Incomparable Son. Second, “Glory be to the Father” for allowing His special Son to suffer and to be sacrificed for all of us. On Judgment Day, brothers and sisters, will any of us want to rush forward to tell our Father how we, as parents, suffered when we watched our children suffer?
Glory be to the Father, in the name of Him who can succor us amid all our ironies and adversities (see Alma 7:11–12), even Jesus Christ, amen.


Gordon B. Hinckley, “‘Of You It Is Required to Forgive’,” Ensign, Jun 1991, 2
A spirit of forgiveness and an attitude of love and compassion toward those who may have wronged us is of the very essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Each of us has need of this spirit. The whole world has need of it. The Lord taught it. He exemplified it as none other has exemplified it.
In the time of his agony on the cross of Calvary, with vile and hateful accusers before him, those who had brought him to this terrible crucifixion, he cried out, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34.)
None of us is called on to forgive so generously, but each of us is under a divinely spoken obligation to reach out with pardon and mercy. The Lord has declared in words of revelation: “My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.
“Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
“And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.” (D&C 64:8–11.)
How much we need application of this God-given principle and its companion principle, repentance! We see the need for it in the homes of the people, where tiny molehills of misunderstanding are fanned into mountains of argument. We see it among neighbors, where insignificant differences lead to undying bitterness. We see it in business associates who quarrel and refuse to compromise and forgive when, in most instances, if there were a willingness to sit down together and speak quietly one to another, the matter could be resolved to the blessing of all. Rather, they spend their days nurturing grudges and planning retribution.
In that first year of the organization of the Church, when the Prophet Joseph Smith was repeatedly arrested and tried on false charges by those who sought to injure him, the Lord said to him through revelation, “Whosoever shall go to law with thee shall be cursed by the law.” (D&C 24:17.) I have seen that in our time among some of those who have vindictively pursued their nurtured grudges. Even among some of those who win their contests there appears to be little peace of mind, and while they may have gained dollars, they have lost something more precious.
Avoid Bitterness
Guy de Maupassant, the French writer, tells the story of a peasant named Hauchecome who came on market day to the village. While walking through the public square, his eye caught sight of a piece of string lying on the cobblestones. He picked it up and put it in his pocket. His actions were observed by the village harness maker, with whom he had previously had a dispute.
Later in the day the loss of a purse was reported. Hauchecome was arrested on the accusation of the harness maker. He was taken before the mayor, to whom he protested his innocence, showing the piece of string that he had picked up. But he was not believed and was laughed at.
The next day the purse was found, and Hauchecome was absolved of any wrongdoing. But, resentful of the indignity he had suffered because of a false accusation, he became embittered and would not let the matter die. Unwilling to forgive and forget, he thought and talked of little else. He neglected his farm. Everywhere he went, everyone he met had to be told of the injustice. By day and by night he brooded over it. Obsessed with his grievance, he became desperately ill and died. In the delirium of his death struggles, he repeatedly murmured, “A piece of string, a piece of string.” (The Works of Guy de Maupassant, Roslyn, New York: Black’s Reader Service, n.d., pp. 34–38.)
With variations of characters and circumstances, that story could be repeated many times in our own day. How difficult it is for any of us to forgive those who have injured us. We are all prone to brood on the evil done us. That brooding becomes as a gnawing and destructive canker. Is there a virtue more in need of application in our time than the virtue of forgiving and forgetting? There are those who would look upon this as a sign of weakness. Is it? I submit that it takes neither strength nor intelligence to brood in anger over wrongs suffered, to go through life with a spirit of vindictiveness, to dissipate one’s abilities in planning retribution. There is no peace in the nursing of a grudge. There is no happiness in living for the day when you can “get even.”
Paul speaks of “the weak and beggarly elements” of our lives. (See Gal. 4:9.) Is there anything more weak or beggarly than the disposition to wear out one’s life in an unending round of bitter thoughts and scheming gestures toward those who may have affronted us?
Joseph F. Smith presided over the Church at a time of great bitterness toward our people. He was the target of vile accusations, of a veritable drumbeat of criticism by editorial writers even in his own community. He was lampooned, cartooned, and ridiculed. Listen to his response to those who made sport of demeaning him: “Let them alone. Let them go. Give them the liberty of speech they want. Let them tell their own story, and write their own doom.” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed., Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 339.) And then, with an outreaching spirit of forgiving and forgetting, he went ahead with the great and positive work of leading the Church forward to new growth and remarkable accomplishments. At the time of his death, many of those who had ridiculed him wrote tributes of praise concerning him.
I recall listening at length to a couple who sat across the desk from me. There was bitterness between them. I know that at one time their love was deep and true. But each had developed a habit of speaking of the faults of the other. Unwilling to forgive the kind of mistakes we all make, and unwilling to forget them and live above them with forbearance, they had carped at one another until the love they once knew had been smothered. It had turned to ashes with the decree of a so-called “no-fault” divorce. Now there is only loneliness and recrimination. I am satisfied that had there been even a small measure of repentance and forgiveness, they would still be together, enjoying the companionship that had so richly blessed their earlier years.
Peace through Forgiveness
If there be any who nurture in their hearts the poisonous brew of enmity toward another, I plead with you to ask the Lord for strength to forgive. This expression of desire will be of the very substance of your repentance. It may not be easy, and it may not come quickly. But if you will seek it with sincerity and cultivate it, it will come. And even though he whom you have forgiven continues to pursue and threaten you, you will know you have done what you could to effect a reconciliation. There will come into your heart a peace otherwise unattainable. That peace will be the peace of Him who said:
“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
“But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt. 6:14–15.)
Prodigal Son
I know of no more beautiful story in all literature than that found in the fifteenth chapter of Luke. It is the story of a repentant son and a forgiving father. It is the story of a son who wasted his inheritance in riotous living, rejecting his father’s counsel, spurning those who loved him. When he had spent all, he was hungry and friendless, and “when he came to himself” (Luke 15:17), he turned back to his father, who, on seeing him afar off, “ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him” (Luke 15:20).
I ask you to read that story. Every parent ought to read it again and again. It is large enough to encompass every household, and enough larger than that to encompass all mankind, for are we not all prodigal sons and daughters who need to repent and partake of the forgiving mercy of our Heavenly Father and then follow His example?
His Beloved Son, our Redeemer, reaches out to us in forgiveness and mercy, but in so doing he commands repentance. A true and magnanimous spirit of forgiveness will become an expression of that required repentance. Said the Lord—and I quote from a revelation given to the Prophet Joseph:
“Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.
“For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
“But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;
“Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit . …
“Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.” (D&C 19:15–18, 23.)
Such is the commandment, and such is the promise of him who, in his great exemplary prayer, pleaded, “Father, … forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” (Matt. 6:9, 12.)
“Bind Up … Wounds”
Are not the words of Abraham Lincoln beautiful which he spoke out of the tragedy of a terrible civil war: “With malice toward none, with charity for all, … let us … bind up the … wounds.” (In John Bartlett, Familiar Quotations, Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1968, p. 640.)
My brothers and sisters, let us bind up the wounds—oh, the many wounds that have been caused by cutting words, by stubbornly cultivated grievances, by scheming plans to “get even” with those who may have wronged us. We all have a little of this spirit of revenge in us. Fortunately, we all have the power to rise above it, if we will “clothe [ourselves] with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.” (D&C 88:125.)
“To err is human, to forgive divine.” (Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism, 2:1711.) There is no peace in reflecting on the pain of old wounds. There is peace only in repentance and forgiveness. This is the sweet peace of the Christ, who said, “blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” (Matt. 5:9.)
Ideas for Home Teachers
Some Points of Emphasis
You may wish to make these points in your home teaching discussions:
1. A spirit of forgiveness—an attitude of love toward those who have wronged us—is the very essence of the gospel.
2. Jesus taught it and exemplified it.
3. This spirit of forgiveness is needed in our homes, among neighbors, in our business associations, in all our relationships.
4. Before we may receive forgiveness from the Lord ourselves, we are required to forgive others.
5. Let us bind up the wounds that divide, receive the peace that unites.
Discussion Helps
1. Relate your feelings about forgiving those who may have wronged us.
2. Are there some scriptures or quotations in this article that the family might read aloud and discuss?
3. Would this discussion be better after a pre-visit chat with the head of the house? Is there a message from the bishop or quorum leader?


Paul Havig, “Letting My Bitterness Go,” Ensign, Feb 2006, 60–62
I had taught many lessons on forgiveness, but now that I was being tested with my parents’ divorce, how could I forgive?
As a junior high English teacher, I have repeatedly witnessed the trauma divorce can cause children. Good students with great attitudes can suddenly become sullen, uncooperative, and difficult to teach and motivate when their parents split up. I had always felt sympathy for my students facing the turmoil of divorce, and I was thankful this burden was one I had not been required to personally carry. I would later experience firsthand, however, the same bitterness so many of my students had experienced—and the sweet peace that is available in the house of the Lord.
I had grown up the youngest of three children in a family that was very active in the Church. Although my parents had not been married in the temple initially, they seemed to be genuinely committed to their marriage and to our family. When I was nine years old, the five of us traveled to the Idaho Falls Idaho Temple and knelt around a holy altar to be sealed for time and eternity. My parents wept openly as we embraced as an eternal family unit, and I believed we had arrived at some wonderful destination from which we would never depart. This experience became a spiritual hallmark for me.
Our family continued to be rock solid from my point of view. We loved each other, attended church together, invited friends into our home to take missionary discussions, and were very involved in our ward. Later as a missionary in Korea, I would proudly show my family picture as I taught people about eternal relationships.
About 15 years later, when I was a 35-year-old father of five, I was astonished when my parents suddenly separated, and I was even more surprised to discover that their marriage had been strained for some time. The separation sent the marriage into a tailspin, which after a few turbulent and hostile years, ended with a heartbreaking divorce.
I now found myself in a situation that I never dreamed would be part of my life’s experience. My parents had been married for 43 years. They had been sealed in the temple. This was not supposed to happen! I felt lost and disheartened.
I began to understand why students in my classes whose parents divorced could completely stop caring about grades and the long-term consequences of poor choices. I had always understood that divorce was particularly hard on children, but now as a “grown-up kid,” I began to know exactly why children sometimes give up. I found myself wanting to quit trying too.
My grief and disappointment were intense, and I felt helpless in letting go of the hurt. I was never happy. Work became a burden, and I would go through the day numbly performing my duties simply because I had to earn a paycheck for my family. I felt no energy or creativity, both essential ingredients for an English teacher’s success. I found myself crying while I was alone in the car and late at night as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
On top of the divorce, my father’s commitment to the Church waned and then disappeared. Because of this, a lot of my anger surrounding the divorce was directed toward him. Although outwardly I maintained my respect for him, on the inside, my hurt was constant and gnawing. I knew this was wrong; I had taught many lessons and given talks on forgiveness. But now that I was being tested, I was unable to forgive. Over the course of several months, I fasted and prayed, pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me find relief from the pain and resentment.
Finally, one afternoon I attended the temple with my wife. I went into the temple with the same constant prayer in my heart that I would be able to forgive my father. During the two hours I was in the temple, my heart began to soften. I don’t know exactly why or how. Certainly there was no specific verbal instruction in the session, but as I contemplated the sacred principles relating to our journey through eternity, anger melted from my heart. I realized that only the Lord can properly judge even the vilest of sinners. The Lord needs ministers, not judges, and I came to understand that my job was to support my family members no matter what spiritual predicament they might find themselves in. Specifically, I needed to respect and forgive my father. The best part was that for the first time since the onset of my parents’ divorce, my heart was completely free from resentment and bitterness.
As my wife and I walked out of the temple, I felt as if a great fever or illness had broken and lifted during my brief time in the house of the Lord. I turned to my wife and said simply, “I’m not mad at my dad anymore.” A sense of calmness and peace settled over me, and since that day, I have never felt anger or resentment toward my father or anyone else concerning the divorce. For me this was a miracle, one I attribute to a sweet blessing I received from my Heavenly Father while worshipping in the temple.
The Healing Power of Christ
“Most of us have not reached that stage of compassion and love and forgiveness. It is not easy. It requires a self-discipline almost greater than we are capable of. But as we try, we come to know that there is a resource of healing, that there is a mighty power of healing in Christ, and that if we are to be His true servants we must not only exercise that healing power in behalf of others, but, perhaps more important, inwardly.”President Gordon B. Hinckley, “The Healing Power of Christ,” Ensign, Nov. 1988, 59.


Deanne Ernst Allen, “Peace, not Bitterness,” Ensign, Oct 1992, 30
When I faced the pain of divorce, the Savior’s teachings helped me avoid the path of bitterness.
I have always had sympathy for anyone enduring the agony of a broken marriage. Then it happened to me, and I learned firsthand how painful it can be. I also learned about the multitude of feelings connected with divorce and people’s different ways of dealing with it.
Many women decide that the only way to deal with what they consider their failure is to fight the feelings of caring that linger in their hearts. They become hateful toward their former spouses. Others sorrowfully hold on to their love, declaring that they will never love again. Life’s vibrancy seems lost to them. Occasionally these women never really “fit in” again; their identity was tied to their status as a wife, and they wonder, What am I now? Other fortunate ones learn from their experience and find new direction and growth.
As I contemplated my alternatives, I felt torn as I experienced all of these feelings. Betrayal, pain, sorrow, fear, anger, and determination seemed to be my most conspicuous sensations. And in the midst of this confusion, I still felt an abiding love for the man I had married. I could not pretend this man had never existed in my life. I had shared twenty years with him. Three beautiful children were born within this union; he is their father, and we had been in love. Although I couldn’t hate him, I needed to find my own way to survive without him.
From the beginning I knew I must make some important, life-changing decisions. If I was going to make it on my own, I had to learn to be happy alone. I will always remember the advice of a dear friend: “I have learned that I must depend on myself for my own happiness; nobody else can give me that gift. If I can’t find it within myself, it will be impossible to find it in others.” I know this is true, so after (and even during) the anger, hurt, and frustration, I made some vital decisions.
First, I would continue in faith, always prayerfully participating in Church activities and meetings, and continuing to attend the temple. With a sincere heart, I would seek understanding and guidance.
Second, I decided to seek knowledge. I needed to learn a skill, a trade, or a career in order to support myself and my children; however, even more important, I wanted to learn more about my Heavenly Father’s kingdom that I might have peace of mind.
Third, I determined that improving my skills and talents through learning more about myself and my strengths was a worthwhile ambition.
Fourth, I committed to stay close to my family and share in the blessings of their love. It was also my hope that I could continue to share good feelings with my extended family; and in fact, we have remained close.
These decisions have, indeed, affected my outlook on life. There has been more harmony in my world since I made these choices. Positive light certainly brightens one’s perspective.
One night when the pain was most acute, I felt inspired to read the entire book of Job. One scripture seemed to leap from the page: “I would seek unto God, and unto God would I commit my cause.” (Job 5:8.)
At a time when I felt helpless and hopeless, these words gave peace to my soul. Since that time, I have been much comforted by them.
It was in the early days after our separation that I began to understand another decision I must make. As far as I could see, I had a choice between bitterness and blessings. Many people have chosen bitterness and existed in misery. People who choose bitterness seldom recognize their blessings. I decided to try to let go of all bitter feelings.
It wasn’t easy, and there are still difficult days. I worry about the children, though they are all grown now, and I am concerned for my grandchildren. The budget is tight. And sometimes I feel an emptiness within as if some intrinsic part of me is missing. Life is not all sweetness and light. However, I am blessed.
Family members from both sides give comfort and encouragement. As I feel the love my parents have for me and my family, I am strengthened. My ex-husband’s mother has also been wonderfully helpful and encouraging. I know I have people to turn to, people who support me. As I recognize this blessing, I gain even greater comfort and strength from their presence in my life.
I enjoy the adventure of life, and I believe in love. Perhaps someday I may even marry again. Who knows what may be in store for me?
This I do know. I have let go. I still have fond, loving memories of the man I married, and I feel gratitude for the love that gave my children life. I am thankful for the opportunity of having been married and bearing children. These are among my blessings.
Each of us must make choices in our lives. I have made mine. When I let go of bitterness, the Lord shares my joys, as well as my burdens. Then I feel peace and contentment as I eagerly look forward to my future.


David E. Sorensen, “Forgiveness Will Change Bitterness to Love,” Liahona, May 2003, 10–12
Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.
Isn’t it amazing, the gifts of the Spirit that the Lord has given to Elder Nelson. His talents bless not only the Church, but the whole world.
I’d like to speak today of forgiveness.
I grew up in a small farming town where water was the lifeblood of the community. I remember the people of our society constantly watching, worrying, and praying over the rain, irrigation rights, and water in general. Sometimes my children chide me; they say they never knew someone so preoccupied with rain. I tell them I suppose that’s true because where I grew up the rain was more than a preoccupation. It was a matter of survival!
Under the stress and strain of our climate, sometimes people weren’t always at their best. Occasionally, neighbors would squabble over one farmer taking too long a turn from the irrigation ditch. That’s how it started with two men who lived near our mountain pasture, whom I will call Chet and Walt. These two neighbors began to quarrel over water from the irrigation ditch they shared. It was innocent enough at first, but over the years the two men allowed their disagreements to turn into resentment and then arguments—even to the point of threats.
One July morning both men felt they were once again short of water. Each went to the ditch to see what had happened, each in his own mind reckoning the other had stolen his water. They arrived at the headgate at the same time. Angry words were exchanged; a scuffle ensued. Walt was a large man with great strength. Chet was small, wiry, and tenacious. In the heat of the scuffle, the shovels the men were carrying were used as weapons. Walt accidentally struck one of Chet’s eyes with the shovel, leaving him blind in that eye.
Months and years passed, yet Chet could not forget nor forgive. The anger that he felt over losing his eye boiled inside him, and his hatred grew more intense. One day, Chet went to his barn, took down the gun from its rack, got on his horse, and rode down to the headgate of the ditch. He put a dam in the ditch and diverted the water away from Walt’s farm, knowing that Walt would soon come to see what had happened. Then Chet slipped into the brush and waited. When Walt appeared, Chet shot him dead. Then he got on his horse, went back to his home, and called the sheriff to inform him that he had just shot Walt.
My father was asked to be on the jury that tried Chet for murder. Father disqualified himself because he was a longtime friend of both men and their families. Chet was tried and convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.
After many years, Chet’s wife came to my father and asked if he would sign a petition to the governor, asking for clemency for her husband, whose health was now broken after serving so many years in the state penitentiary. Father signed the petition. A few nights later, two of Walt’s grown sons appeared at our door. They were very angry and upset. They said that because Father had signed the petition, many others had signed. They asked Father to have his name withdrawn from the petition. He said no. He felt that Chet was a broken and sick man. He had suffered these many years in prison for that terrible crime of passion. He wanted to see Chet have a decent funeral and burial beside his family.
Walt’s sons whirled in anger and said, “If he is released from prison, we will see that harm comes to him and his family.”
Chet was eventually released and allowed to come home to die with his family. Fortunately, there was no further violence between the families. My father often lamented how tragic it was that Chet and Walt, these two neighbors and boyhood friends, had fallen captive to their anger and let it destroy their lives. How tragic that the passion of the moment was allowed to escalate out of control—eventually taking the lives of both men—simply because two men could not forgive each other over a few shares of irrigation water.
The Savior said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him,” 1 thus commanding us to resolve our differences early on, lest the passions of the moment escalate into physical or emotional cruelty, and we fall captive to our anger.
Nowhere does this principle apply more than in our families. Your specific concern may not be water, but each of us on earth, living under the stress and strain of this telestial climate, will have reason—real or perceived—to take offense. How will we react? Will we take offense? Will we find fault? Will we let the passions of the moment overcome us?
President Brigham Young once compared being offended to a poisonous snakebite. He said that “there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system.” He said, “If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.” 2
Now let me take a moment here to note that we must take care in our families not to cause spiritual or emotional snakebites in the first place! In much of today’s popular culture, the virtues of forgiveness and kindness are belittled, while ridicule, anger, and harsh criticism are encouraged. If we are not careful, we can fall prey to these habits within our own homes and families and soon find ourselves criticizing our spouse, our children, our extended family members. Let us not hurt the ones we love the most by selfish criticism! In our families, small arguments and petty criticisms, if allowed to go unchecked, can poison relationships and escalate into estrangements, even abuse and divorce. Instead, just like we learned with the poisonous venom, we must “make full haste” to reduce arguments, eliminate ridicule, do away with criticism, and remove resentment and anger. We cannot afford to let such dangerous passions ruminate—not even one day.
Contrast Walt and Chet’s tragic story with the example of Joseph of Egypt. Joseph’s brothers jealously hated him. They plotted to take his life and finally sold him as a slave. Joseph was carried into Egypt and struggled for years to rise from slavery. During these challenging times, Joseph might have condemned his brothers and sworn revenge. He might have soothed his pain by scheming to get even someday. But he did not.
In time, Joseph became ruler over all of Egypt, second in command only to Pharaoh. During a devastating famine, Joseph’s brothers traveled to Egypt for food. Not recognizing Joseph, they bowed down to him because of his high position. Surely at that moment Joseph had the power to exact revenge. He might have put his brethren in prison or sentenced them to death. Instead he confirmed his forgiveness. He said: “I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither. … And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity … and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God.” 3
Joseph’s will to forgive changed bitterness to love.
I would like to make it clear that forgiveness of sins should not be confused with tolerating evil. In fact, in the Joseph Smith Translation, the Lord said, “Judge righteous judgment.” 4 The Savior asks us to forsake and combat evil in all its forms, and although we must forgive a neighbor who injures us, we should still work constructively to prevent that injury from being repeated. A woman who is abused should not seek revenge, but neither should she feel that she cannot take steps to prevent further abuse. A businessperson treated unfairly in a transaction should not hate the person who was dishonest but could take appropriate steps to remedy the wrong. Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us or in our own lives. But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions.
The Savior said, “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” 5
This is not to say that forgiveness is easy. When someone has hurt us or those we care about, that pain can almost be overwhelming. It can feel as if the pain or the injustice is the most important thing in the world and that we have no choice but to seek vengeance. But Christ, the Prince of Peace, teaches us a better way. It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrongdoing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.
May the seeds of unforgivingness that haunted my neighbors never be allowed to take root in our homes. May we pray to our Heavenly Father to help us overcome foolish pride, resentment, and pettiness. May He help us to forgive and love, so we may be friends with our Savior, others, and ourselves. “Even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” 6 In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.
Notes
1. Matt. 5:25.
2. As reported in Marion D. Hanks, “Forgiveness: The Ultimate Form of Love,” Ensign, Jan. 1974, 21.
3. Gen. 45:4–5, 7–8.
4. Joseph Smith Translation, Matt. 7:1.
5. D&C 64:9.
6. Col. 3:13.


“Chapter 9: Forgiving Others with All Our Hearts,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, (2006),89–101
The Lord commands us to forgive others so that we may be forgiven of our own sins and be blessed with peace and joy.
From the Life of Spencer W. Kimball
When President Spencer W. Kimball taught about seeking forgiveness, he also emphasized the vital principle of forgiving others. In imploring all people to strive to develop the spirit of forgiveness, he related the following experience:
“I was struggling with a community problem in a small ward … where two prominent men, leaders of the people, were deadlocked in a long and unrelenting feud. Some misunderstanding between them had driven them far apart with enmity. As the days, weeks, and months passed, the breach became wider. The families of each conflicting party began to take up the issue and finally nearly all the people of the ward were involved. Rumors spread and differences were aired and gossip became tongues of fire until the little community was divided by a deep gulf. I was sent to clear up the matter. … I arrived at the frustrated community about 6 p.m., Sunday night, and immediately went into session with the principal combatants.
“How we struggled! How I pleaded and warned and begged and urged! Nothing seemed to be moving them. Each antagonist was so sure that he was right and justified that it was impossible to budge him.
“The hours were passing—it was now long after midnight, and despair seemed to enshroud the place; the atmosphere was still one of ill temper and ugliness. Stubborn resistance would not give way. Then it happened. I aimlessly opened my Doctrine and Covenants again and there before me it was. I had read it many times in past years and it had had no special meaning then. But tonight it was the very answer. It was an appeal and an imploring and a threat and seemed to be coming direct from the Lord. I read [section 64] from the seventh verse on, but the quarreling participants yielded not an inch until I came to the ninth verse. Then I saw them flinch, startled, wondering. Could that be right? The Lord was saying to us—to all of us—‘Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another.’
“This was an obligation. They had heard it before. They had said it in repeating the Lord’s Prayer. But now: ‘… for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord …’
“In their hearts, they may have been saying: ‘Well, I might forgive if he repents and asks forgiveness, but he must make the first move.’ Then the full impact of the last line seemed to strike them: ‘For there remaineth in him the greater sin.’
“What? Does that mean I must forgive even if my antagonist remains cold and indifferent and mean? There is no mistaking it.
“A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required. Certainly, the one who does the injury should totally make his adjustment, but as for the offended one, he must forgive the offender regardless of the attitude of the other. Sometimes men get satisfactions from seeing the other party on his knees and grovelling in the dust, but that is not the gospel way.
“Shocked, the two men sat up, listened, pondered a minute, then began to yield. This scripture added to all the others read brought them to their knees. Two a.m. and two bitter adversaries were shaking hands, smiling and forgiving and asking forgiveness. Two men were in a meaningful embrace. This hour was holy. Old grievances were forgiven and forgotten, and enemies became friends again. No reference was ever made again to the differences. The skeletons were buried, the closet of dry bones was locked and the key was thrown away, and peace was restored.”1
Throughout his ministry, President Kimball exhorted Church members to be forgiving: “If there be misunderstandings, clear them up, forgive and forget, don’t let old grievances change your souls and affect them, and destroy your love and lives. Put your houses in order. Love one another and love your neighbors, your friends, the people who live near you, as the Lord gives this power to you.”2
Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball
We must forgive to be forgiven.
Since forgiveness is an absolute requirement in attaining eternal life, man naturally ponders: How can I best secure that forgiveness? One of many basic factors stands out as indispensable immediately: One must forgive to be forgiven.3
“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
“But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt. 6:14–15.)
Hard to do? Of course. The Lord never promised an easy road, nor a simple gospel, nor low standards, nor a low norm. The price is high, but the goods attained are worth all they cost. The Lord himself turned the other cheek; he suffered himself to be buffeted and beaten without remonstrance; he suffered every indignity and yet spoke no word of condemnation. And his question to all of us is: “Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be?” And his answer to us is: “Even as I am.” (3 Ne. 27:27.)4
Our forgiveness of others must be heartfelt and complete.
The command to forgive and the condemnation which follows failure to do so could not be stated more plainly than in this modern revelation to the Prophet Joseph Smith:
“My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.
“Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” (D&C 64:8–10.) …
The lesson stands for us today. Many people, when brought to a reconciliation with others, say that they forgive, but they continue to hold malice, continue to suspect the other party, continue to disbelieve the other’s sincerity. This is sin, for when a reconciliation has been effected and when repentance is claimed, each should forgive and forget, build immediately the fences which have been breached, and restore the former compatibility.
The early disciples evidently expressed words of forgiveness, and on the surface made the required adjustment, but “forgave not one another in their hearts.” This was not a forgiveness, but savored of hypocrisy and deceit and subterfuge. As implied in Christ’s model prayer, it must be a heart action and a purging of one’s mind [see Matthew 6:12; see also verses 14–15]. Forgiveness means forgetfulness. One woman had “gone through” a reconciliation in a branch and had made the physical motions and verbal statements indicating it, and expressed the mouthy words [of] forgiving. Then with flashing eyes, she remarked, “I will forgive her, but I have a memory like an elephant. I’ll never forget.” Her pretended adjustment was valueless and void. She still harbored the bitterness. Her words of friendship were like a spider’s web, her rebuilt fences were as straw, and she herself continued to suffer without peace of mind. Worse still, she stood “condemned before the Lord,” and there remained in her an even greater sin than in the one who, she claimed, had injured her.
Little did this antagonistic woman realize that she had not forgiven at all. She had only made motions. She was spinning her wheels and getting nowhere. In the scripture quoted above, the phrase in their hearts has deep meaning. It must be a purging of feelings and thoughts and bitternesses. Mere words avail nothing.
“For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God.” (Moro. 7:8.)
Henry Ward Beecher expressed the thought this way: “I can forgive but I cannot forget is another way of saying I cannot forgive.”
I may add that unless a person forgives his brother his trespasses with all his heart he is unfit to partake of the sacrament.5
We should leave judgment to the Lord.
To be in the right we must forgive, and we must do so without regard to whether or not our antagonist repents, or how sincere is his transformation, or whether or not he asks our forgiveness. We must follow the example and the teaching of the Master, who said: “… Ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.” (D&C 64:11.) But men often are unwilling to leave it to the Lord, fearing perhaps that the Lord might be too merciful, less severe than is proper in the case.6
Some people not only cannot or will not forgive and forget the transgressions of others, but go to the other extreme of hounding the alleged transgressor. Many letters and calls have come to me from individuals who are determined to take the sword of justice in their own hands and presume to see that a transgressor is punished. “That man should be excommunicated,” a woman declared, “and I’m never going to rest till he has been properly dealt with.” Another said, “I can never rest, so long as that person is a member of the Church.” Still another said: “I will never enter the chapel so long as that person is permitted to enter. I want him tried for his membership.” One man even made many trips to Salt Lake City and wrote several long letters to protest against the bishop and the stake president who did not take summary disciplinary action against a person who, he claimed, was breaking the laws of the Church.
To such who would take the law into their own hands, we read again the positive declaration of the Lord: “… there remaineth in him the greater sin.” (D&C 64:9.) The revelation continues: “And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.” (D&C 64:11.) When known transgressions have been duly reported to the proper ecclesiastical officers of the Church, the individual may rest the case and leave the responsibility with the Church officers. If those officers tolerate sin in the ranks, it is an awesome responsibility for them and they will be held accountable.7
The Lord will judge with the same measurements meted out by us. If we are harsh, we should not expect other than harshness. If we are merciful with those who injure us, he will be merciful with us in our errors. If we are unforgiving, he will leave us weltering in our own sins.
While the scriptures are plain in their declaration that man shall have meted out to him the same measure that he gives his fellowmen, the meting out even of warranted judgment is not for the layman, but for proper authorities in Church and state. The Lord will do the judging in the final analysis. …
The Lord can judge men by their thoughts as well as by what they say and do, for he knows even the intents of their hearts; but this is not true of humans. We hear what people say, we see what they do, but being unable to discern what they think or intend, we often judge wrongfully if we try to fathom the meaning and motives behind their actions and place on them our own interpretation.8
Though it may seem difficult, we can forgive.
In the context of the spirit of forgiveness, one good brother asked me, “Yes, that is what ought to be done, but how do you do it? Doesn’t that take a superman?”
“Yes,” I said, “but we are commanded to be supermen. Said the Lord, ‘Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.’ (Matt. 5:48.) We are gods in embryo, and the Lord demands perfection of us.”
“Yes, the Christ forgave those who injured him, but he was more than human,” he rejoined.
And my answer was: “But there are many humans who have found it possible to do this divine thing.”
Apparently there are many who, like this good brother, hold the comfortable theory that the forgiving spirit … is more or less the monopoly of scriptural or fictional characters and can hardly be expected of practical people in today’s world. This is not the case.9
I knew a young mother who lost her husband by death. The family had been in poor circumstances and the insurance policy was only $2,000, but it was like a gift from heaven. The company promptly delivered the check for that amount as soon as proof of death was furnished. The young widow concluded she should save this for emergencies, and accordingly deposited it in the bank. Others knew of her savings, and one kinsman convinced her that she should lend the $2,000 to him at a high rate of interest.
Years passed, and she had received neither principal nor interest. She noticed that the borrower avoided her and made evasive promises when she asked him about the money. Now she needed the money and it could not be had.
“How I hate him!” she told me, and her voice breathed venom and bitterness and her dark eyes flashed. To think that an able-bodied man would defraud a young widow with a family to support! “How I loathe him!” she repeated over and over. Then I told her [a] story, where a man forgave the murderer of his father. She listened intently. I saw she was impressed. At the conclusion there were tears in her eyes, and she whispered: “Thank you. Thank you sincerely. Surely I, too, must forgive my enemy. I will now cleanse my heart of its bitterness. I do not expect ever to receive the money, but I leave my offender in the hands of the Lord.”
Weeks later, she saw me again and confessed that those intervening weeks had been the happiest of her life. A new peace had overshadowed her and she was able to pray for the offender and forgive him, even though she never received back a single dollar.10
When we forgive others, we free ourselves from hatred and bitterness.
Why does the Lord ask you to love your enemies and to return good for evil? That you might have the benefit of it. It does not injure the one you hate so much when you hate a person, especially if he is far removed and does not come in contact with you, but the hate and the bitterness canker your unforgiving heart. …
Perhaps Peter had met people who continued to trespass against him, and he asked:
“Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? …”
And the Lord said:
“I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21–22.) …
… When they have repented and come on their knees to ask forgiveness, most of us can forgive, but the Lord has required that we shall forgive even if they do not repent nor ask forgiveness of us. …
It must be very clear to us, then, that we must still forgive without retaliation or vengeance, for the Lord will do for us such as is necessary. … Bitterness injures the one who carries it; it hardens and shrivels and cankers.11
It frequently happens that offenses are committed when the offender is not aware of it. Something he has said or done is misconstrued or misunderstood. The offended one treasures in his heart the offense, adding to it such other things as might give fuel to the fire and justify his conclusions. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why the Lord requires that the offended one should make the overtures toward peace.
“And if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she confess thou shalt be reconciled.” (D&C 42:88.) …
Do we follow that command or do we sulk in our bitterness, waiting for our offender to learn of it and to kneel to us in remorse?12
We may get angry with our parents, or a teacher, or the bishop, and dwarf ourselves into nameless anonymity as we shrivel and shrink under the venom and poison of bitterness and hatred. While the hated one goes on about his business, little realizing the suffering of the hater, the latter cheats himself. …
… To terminate activity in the Church just to spite leaders or to give vent to wounded feelings is to cheat ourselves.13
In the midst of discordant sounds of hate, bitterness and revenge expressed so often today, the soft note of forgiveness comes as a healing balm. Not least is its effect on the forgiver.14
As we forgive others, we are blessed with joy and peace.
Inspired by the Lord Jesus Christ, Paul has given to us the solution to the problems of life which require understanding and forgiveness. “And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph. 4:32.) If this spirit of kindly, tender-hearted forgiveness of one another could be carried into every home, selfishness, distrust and bitterness which break so many homes and families would disappear and men would live in peace.15
Forgiveness is the miraculous ingredient that assures harmony and love in the home or the ward. Without it there is contention. Without understanding and forgiveness there is dissension, followed by lack of harmony, and this breeds disloyalty in homes, in branches and in wards. On the other hand, forgiveness is harmonious with the spirit of the gospel, with the Spirit of Christ. This is the spirit we must all possess if we would receive forgiveness of our own sins and be blameless before God.16
Frequently, pride gets in our way and becomes our stumbling block. But each of us needs to ask himself the question: “Is your pride more important than your peace?”
All too frequently, one who has done many splendid things in life and made an excellent contribution will let pride cause him to lose the rich reward to which he would be entitled otherwise. We should always wear the sackcloth and ashes of a forgiving heart and a contrite spirit, being willing always to exercise genuine humility, as did the publican [see Luke 18:9–14], and ask the Lord to help us to forgive.17
So long as mortality exists we live and work with imperfect people; and there will be misunderstandings, offenses, and injuries to sensitive feelings. The best of motives are often misunderstood. It is gratifying to find many who, in their bigness of soul have straightened out their thinking, swallowed their pride, forgiven what they had felt were personal slights. Numerous others who have walked critical, lonely, thorny paths in abject misery, have finally accepted correction, acknowledged errors, cleansed their hearts of bitterness, and have come again to peace, that coveted peace which is so conspicuous in its absence. And the frustrations of criticism, bitterness, and the resultant estrangements have given place to warmth and light and peace.18
It can be done. Man can conquer self. Man can overcome. Man can forgive all who have trespassed against him and go on to receive peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come.19
If we would sue for peace, taking the initiative in settling differences—if we would forgive and forget with all our hearts—if we would cleanse our own souls of sin, bitterness, and guilt before we cast a stone or accusation at others—if we would forgive all real or fancied offenses before we asked forgiveness for our own sins—if we would pay our own debts, large or small, before we pressed our debtors—if we would manage to clear our own eyes of the blinding beams before we magnified the motes in the eyes of others—what a glorious world this would be! Divorce would be reduced to a minimum; courts would be freed from disgusting routines; family life would be heavenly; the building of the kingdom would go forward at an accelerated pace; and that peace which passeth understanding [see Philippians 4:7] would bring to us all a joy and happiness that has hardly “entered into the heart of man.” [See 1 Corinthians 2:9.]20
May the Lord bless us all that we may continually carry in our hearts the true spirit of repentance and forgiveness until we shall have perfected ourselves, looking toward the glories of exaltation awaiting the most faithful.21
Suggestions for Study and Teaching
Consider these ideas as you study the chapter or as you prepare to teach. For additional help, see pages v–ix.
· • Review the story on pages 89–91. Why is it sometimes so difficult for people to forgive one another? What do the words “For there remaineth in him the greater sin” (D&C 64:9) mean to you?
· • Review Matthew 6:14–15, quoted by President Kimball on page 92. Why do you think we must forgive others in order to receive the Lord’s forgiveness?
· • What are some attitudes and actions that indicate our forgiveness of another is heartfelt and complete? (See pages 92–94.) Why must forgiveness be “a heart action”?
· • Review the section that begins on page 94. What gospel teachings can help us be willing to leave judgment to the Lord?
· • As you read the story about the young mother on pages 96–97, look for what prevented her, at first, from forgiving and what enabled her to finally forgive. How can we overcome the obstacles that interfere with our desires and efforts to forgive others?
· • What are some consequences of refusing to forgive? (See pages 97–98.) What blessings have you experienced as you have forgiven another? Consider how you might apply the spirit of forgiveness in your relationships.
Related Scriptures:Matthew 5:43–48; Luke 6:36–38; Colossians 3:12–15; D&C 82:23
[picture] President Kimball counseled Church members: “Forgive and forget, don’t let old grievances change your souls and affect them, and destroy your love and lives.”
[picture] Jesus Christ taught, “If ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).
[picture] “Forgiveness is the miraculous ingredient that assures harmony and love in the home or the ward.”
Notes
1. The Miracle of Forgiveness (1969), 281–82.
2. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (1982), 243.
3. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 261.
4. In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, 71; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, 48.
5. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 262–64.
6. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 283.
7. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 264.
8. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 267, 268.
9. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 286–87.
10. In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, 68–69; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, 46. See also The Miracle of Forgiveness, 293–94.
11. Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 191, 192.
12. Faith Precedes the Miracle, 194, 195.
13. ”On Cheating Yourself,” New Era, Apr. 1972, 33, 34.
14. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 266.
15. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 298.
16. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 275.
17. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 297.
18. In Conference Report, Apr. 1955, 98.
19. The Miracle of Forgiveness, 300.
20. Faith Precedes the Miracle, 195–96.
21. In Conference Report, Oct. 1949, 134.


Andrea Worthington Snarr, “Cultivating Sensitivity to Others,” Ensign, Jun 2008, 59–63
Becoming more aware of the unique challenges of those around us makes us better neighbors, friends, and Saints.
One sunny day I walked to my mailbox to retrieve the mail. Among the bills, I saw an envelope with my name typed on it. Excited to receive a letter, I quickly opened it. Then my hopes were shattered as I realized that someone had sent me an anonymous letter containing parenting tips. Photocopied articles explained how to say no to children and outlined the social ills resulting from parents’ failures.
Obviously, the sender had noticed our son’s difficulties. What the sender apparently did not know, however, is that our son has a neurological condition related to autism. Our efforts to help this son had been extremely time-consuming and expensive—including therapy, doctors, medications, parenting classes, alternative schooling, research, conferences, and consistent routines. If only the sender had known how hard we were trying.
I hurried inside to have a good cry. Fortunately, I had a friend I could call on for support. She reassured me with kind words. Still, after that I found myself looking around, wondering who was judging me.
Years after that regrettable incident, I harbor no malice for the letter’s author, who simply didn’t understand our situation. But the letter taught me that loving others includes striving to understand and be sensitive to their unique situations. All of us are individuals with varied life experiences. Some of us marry in this life; others remain single. Some have many children; others have none or few. Some endure divorce. Some pray daily for wayward children. Some struggle with chronic illness or disabilities.
Alma’s counsel to his son Corianton can guide us in our efforts to become more sensitive: “See that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually” (Alma 41:14).
Increase Awareness
Unfortunately, we are often unintentionally insensitive simply because we are unaware of what others are experiencing. Ashley Henderson* stopped going to church when it seemed that the main topics of conversation surrounding her were whom she was dating and why she wasn’t married. People were probably just trying to be friendly and make conversation, but it made her feel out of place to be constantly reminded of her singleness. “I felt I didn’t belong anywhere,” she recalls. After she eventually did marry, she continued to avoid church. Then a loving and sensitive elderly couple in the ward were instrumental in helping Ashley and her husband return to the blessings of the gospel. “Their love seemed to make the big step of returning to church seamless,” recalls Sister Henderson. Several other couples in their ward also embraced the Hendersons. “I have always heard that friends are hard to come by,” says Sister Henderson. “But it seems, in our ward at least, that everyone is a friend, and no one is left out.”
It’s not only insensitive words that can inflict pain. Sometimes saying nothing hurts too. When Lou Banks* went through a divorce, he felt lost. “In my ward, I basically became invisible,” remembers Brother Banks. “People were not rude to me, but they made a wide path around me. I just didn’t fit in. Almost all social arrangements were made by the sisters, so I never felt included in ward activities.” It was after Brother Banks married again that he finally regained a sense of belonging.
Thoughtfully and tactfully acknowledging others’ pain and expressing encouragement can help them feel you are aware of them and can provide hope. It can be as simple as saying, “I’m glad you’re here today. We need you in our ward.”
Avoid Assumptions
Often when we make assumptions about another person, we are mistaken. This is because we rarely understand the complexities of another’s life. One couple who had been unable to have children received counsel from a member of their bishopric not to put off having a family in order to accumulate wealth and enjoy “a few of the good things in life.” The bishopric member didn’t know that the couple had been trying to have children for years and was now waiting to adopt a child.
David and Shauntel Hogan also recall hurtful comments when they experienced childlessness. Sister Hogan says that experience taught her that people are not intentionally insensitive—they just have limited experience and understanding. “It’s a matter of awareness. We all need to think about what we say to others because we all experience sensitive situations of some kind. I’ve learned never to assume anything. We need to take the time to get to know people. This cultivates understanding,” says Sister Hogan.
During their years of infertility challenges, the Hogans also received outpourings of love from family and friends. Just before an expensive medical procedure, they received an unexpected note containing not only moral support but financial assistance. That note is now a cherished keepsake. Eventually, the Hogans adopted three children. “We relied heavily on the experience and encouragement of friends and neighbors who preceded us on the adoption path,” relates Sister Hogan. “But others also took time to listen and express their confidence in us, even when they did not know exactly what we were experiencing. We had a cheering section enduring times of uncertainty with us,” relates Sister Hogan. “We knew we were not alone.”
Extend Respect
Fortunately, our status—marital, financial, or social—does not define us as individuals. Nor should it determine the way we treat others. As Brother Terrance D. Olson noted: “Respect is an expression of our sense of universal brotherhood or sisterhood—a testimony of our membership in the human family. It acknowledges our common humanity and shows our reverence for children of God.”1
The Lord is no respecter of persons (see D&C 1:35). He loves us all because we are all His children. When we see others in this light, we can’t help but love and try to understand them too. This is an effective way we can honor our baptismal covenants to “mourn with those that mourn … and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9).
Indeed, when Jesus walked the earth, He often associated with those whom others rejected. He loved the Samaritan woman at the well. He healed the lame, the blind, those afflicted with demons, and the lepers. And He made it clear that we should not assume that others’ afflictions are the result of their unrighteousness:
“And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
“And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
“Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him” (John 9:1–3).
Show Kindness
Kindness and understanding should be at the heart of our relationships with others. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:
“Kindness is a passport that opens doors and fashions friends. It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes. …
“Kindness is the essence of a celestial life. Kindness is how a Christlike person treats others. Kindness should permeate all of our words and actions at work, at school, at church, and especially in our homes.”2
The Savior’s interaction with the woman taken in adultery is a perfect example of kindness and mercy. Hoping to catch Jesus in a trap, the Pharisees demanded to know whether the woman would be stoned for her unrighteous choices, according to the law of Moses. The Lord replied, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7). Though He did not take her sin lightly, his actions spared her from stoning. He mercifully helped the woman understand that she was not hopelessly condemned and that she could change. Jesus also helped the self-righteous accusers, who were focusing on the woman’s sin without seeing their own.
One important way to show kindness is by refusing to gossip. Did you know that if you place several inchworms on the outside rim of a flowerpot, they will crawl around and around the rim until they starve? Even though food may be accessible a small distance away inside the pot, the worms will continue to mindlessly follow the worm ahead of them. So it is with gossip and those who spread it. The tales go around and around, doing nobody any good.
Resist Taking Offense
Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has suggested that when people are “inconsiderate and tactless,” we can “choose not to be offended.”3 Developing our ability to resist being offended can be an insulating factor for all of us, including those who have significant challenges.
One morning I awoke to an icy scene outside my window. A wet snow had fallen and frozen during the cold hours. Little finches filled a tree where a bird feeder hung. The birds had fluffed out their feathers, making them look twice as large and protecting them from the harsh weather. It dawned on me that we can do this to protect ourselves when insensitive comments are carelessly flung toward us. We can warm ourselves with our own sure knowledge that God is mindful of us and that we are faithfully holding to His promises.
And we can increase our ability to love others. Everyone deals with something difficult. We all have weaknesses. Some deficits are more obvious than others, but everyone must overcome some obstacles. Why not help each other along, build each other up, and relieve each other’s burdens rather than make the journey even more difficult with criticism?
Do Good Continually
In one of my favorite books, The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett, tending a garden brings healing to a sickly boy who once focused only on his negative situation and to a young girl who was once selfish and sour. A wise old gardener teaches a principle of gardening that can be applied to our attitude toward life: Where you tend a rose, a thistle cannot grow. Good deeds and good words can help us keep disappointments and difficulties from dominating our attitude.
I have been blessed with friends steeped in gospel living who have helped me keep the thistles at bay in my life’s garden. One night our son’s difficulties were thwarting our family’s plans to go out to dinner for a daughter’s birthday. Then, providentially, a friend appeared at our door, offering to stay with our son so we could celebrate the occasion. We knew we had experienced a tender mercy from the Lord, and we were grateful for a friend who followed the Savior’s example of going about doing good.
We can help plant roses in each other’s lives so that the thistles of life will not choke out the joy of God’s love—and His gospel. We can help each other along life’s path by being tactful and sensitive to others’ unique situations. We can help others maintain their privacy and not gossip about their challenges. We can unify our wards and branches by supporting each other and cheering each other on instead of being accomplices to divisiveness. Then we will find ourselves enjoying more fully the blessings of living together in God’s garden.
Helps for Home Evening
· 1. To help your children have more empathy for those with disabilities, try using one or more of the following object lessons: (1) Have family members do simple household chores with one arm; (2) Try explaining something by only using hand movements; (3) Construct a simple obstacle course for family members to go through with their eyes closed.
· 2. Share ideas from the article and talk about other times when it is important to be sensitive to others, such as welcoming a new ward member, being friendly to one whose spouse is not a member, or including single members.
Illustrations by Dilleen Marsh; photographs by David Stoker
Far left: He That Is without Sin, by Liz Lemon Swindel, © Liz Lemon Swindle, Foundation Arts, may not be copied; left: detail from Darkness into Light, by Simon Dewey, courtesy of Altus Fine Art, American Fork, Utah, may not be copied
Notes
* Names have been changed.
1. “Cultivating Respect,” Ensign, Oct. 2001, 48.
2. “The Virtue of Kindness,” Ensign, May 2005, 26.
3. “And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” Ensign, Nov. 2006, 91.


Jacob de Jager, “Overcoming Discouragement,” New Era, Mar 1984, 4
When a black horizon looms before us, we must boldly move forward.
While no one is immune to encounters with discouragement, young people are especially vulnerable to episodes in which reality does not conform to their wishes or intentions. You can close the gap between what you want to do and what you are actually able to accomplish by learning to evaluate situations realistically.
In the Church we always learn to look at things from different angles. Disappointments can be seen either as a prelude to continued failure in our lives or as occasions for great personal growth and even the beginning of truly outstanding performance. My own experience in talking with young people indicates that they have no clear vision of what life’s disappointments can mean to a person as part of the great plan of our Heavenly Father. Believe me when I tell you that I know how discouragement feels to young people. My native country, Holland, was occupied by Nazi Germany when I finished high school in 1942. At the time a new rule was established that you could only register for classes in the Dutch universities if you signed a so-called “declaration of loyalty” to the occupying German forces.
Needless to say, the majority of Dutch students simply refused to sign such a humiliating political document and stayed away from campuses, whether freshmen or graduate students.
There were only two alternatives for young men between 18 and 30 years of age: to leave home, change names, use a fake I.D. card, and go “underground” somewhere in the country or to run the very real risk of being arrested anywhere at any moment and being deported to Germany for slave labor in the war industry with the hundreds of thousands already there from other European nations.
My plans to go to a university were stifled. Everything I had been working towards for so long now was truly unattainable. It is an understatement for me to say that this was a great discouragement. But I overcame it and in doing so learned a great lesson by deciding that if you cannot reach one goal then attain another goal. Sure, I had my moments of self-pity; then I decided to look for other options.
By this time in my life I already had an interest in languages, and so I decided to spend my time studying German, French, and English. I studied on my own, in small peer groups, and listened in clandestine ways to foreign radio broadcasts. This is what I did from the time I was 19 until I turned 22. Learning languages was an attainable goal for me.
After the Allied forces landed in Holland, I joined the Canadian army as an interpreter and translator. My task was completed when the Canadians returned home.
Then the Dutch army sent me to the Dutch East Indies (now Indonesia). This was another disappointment to me. My heart was not in the army, but I tried to make the best of it. I kept up on my languages and I learned the Malay language (now called Bahasa Indonesia).
When I finally became a free man in 1949, I felt like I had spent seven years on hold. But in the same time the Lord had been preparing me in a special way for his later service. I was also prepared for a good business career.
All human beings experience disappointment. If this hard fact of development were not so, it would be very difficult to explain the joy of personal growth that often follows setbacks. Most human beings accept disappointment and more or less content themselves with a situation in which a certain life-style, along with work and human relations, permits them to bear pain and loss.
The problem that young people face is maintaining balance and perspective through the inevitable disappointments when they occur. These disappointments may range from nonachievement in school or poor communication in the home to not being able to withstand the great pressure of peer groups and the feelings of self-reproach when giving in to their wishes.
There is a great need to examine yourself in these matters and ask yourself the old question, “Am I part of the problem, or do I contribute to solving the problem?”
As honest, good, law-abiding young people, you are faced with many temptations and pressures. But as long as you have come to a firm understanding that your anchor of hope is the gospel of Jesus Christ, then you have already elevated yourselves to a level of understanding that will enable you to overcome many disappointments.
Disappointment brings a kind of sadness. I have no illusion that through this article I can make you permanently cheerful because I know with all my heart that it is the Lord to whom we have to turn and he will give us, through his Spirit, a cheerful attitude.
In Proverbs 3:5–6 [Prov. 3:5–6] we read:
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
And in my favorite scripture, Doctrine and Covenants 61:36, [D&C 61:36] we find:
“And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.”
How often I have heard during my travels, after speaking to nonmembers, “You LDS people seem to be such a happy people.” Where do you think that this image has come from? I know the answer. It has come from those who have learned to walk in the light of the gospel and who apply gospel thinking in their lives each day. Hence, the saying, “When you walk in the light of God’s Spirit, happiness follows you as a shadow!”
Some youngsters argue that a person does not have a great deal of choice about the problems he gets or even how to deal with them. May I answer this by saying that many people make their own problems by getting into situations they could have avoided; and if they will walk in obedience to the commandments, they will be blessed with personal inspiration on how to deal with these problems and will be able to gain a conscious control of the situation at hand, the greatest control being the ability to put the best possible face on what could have been a severe disappointment and subsequent complaints.
Everyone can, to a greater or lesser degree, exert influence over events; but that takes personal commitment. Too often, young people expect others to solve problems for them, thereby foregoing opportunities to learn and grow.
We all have successes, and we all have disappointments.
Am I safe to suggest that constant preoccupation with success in life may be of less importance than the role disappointments will play in the development of a person and his ultimate happiness and achievements? Experiencing discouragement can even speed up growth and development. We often see this happen among those who are called to labor in the mission field. The new arrivals quickly learn to overcome personal emotions, more often than not, through loving, inspired counsel of their mission president. They then learn that their thoughts and efforts should not be self-centered but totally in a new outward direction.
The key, however, is to boldly face disappointments and the pains that accompany them. If you deny them or hide them from view, the chances are great that you will become worn out and fail. If, on the other hand, you meet them in a prayerful attitude asking for inner strength to overcome, the original disappointment will turn into an element of great strength and a firm foundation for further growth.
This article would not be complete without examining the preventive aspects of discouragement.
Examine carefully your personal goals. If these goals are unrealistic, then discouragement is inevitable.
Do not start to live in such a way that you think that you can avoid all disappointments. If you do, you will pay dearly for it later.
The key factor in mastering disappointment is the capacity to experience and control the emotions that come through personal loss.
Learn furthermore to examine your own motivations. In fact, the necessity to do this seldom occurs until you experience an impasse in your life. Often you will then see that your disappointment is not only directly connected with the present situation but also with related past experiences, because a current crisis usually reopens problems of the past, and the feelings from past and present tend to merge.
How blessed we are to have loving, competent, listening priesthood and auxiliary leaders on all levels in the government of God’s kingdom on the earth to whom we can turn for competent, inspired help. Through their support and wisdom in the hour of discouragement, a subtle change will take place in your perspectives and attitudes, making you realize the impossibilities of certain goals and wishes but at the same time helping you see alternatives, new possibilities and perspectives.
Maybe it is required of all of us to know that through disappointments in life we may also find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures.
Maybe we then discover that we have been mourning losses that were never sustained and yearning for a past that never existed, while ignoring our real capabilities for shaping the present.
Additional readings on overcoming discouragement: Val R. Christensen, “Stress,” in Counseling: A Guide to Helping Others, ed. R. Lanier Britsch and Terrance D. Olson, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co, 1983, pp. 42–51. Abraham Zaleznik, “Management of Disappointment,” Harvard Business Review, Harvard University, Nov./Dec. 1967. D. Olson, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1983, pp. 42–51.